The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that thebest way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary area,it is an irrefutable fact that
,
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apply
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there is an exponential surge of
the
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apply
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people who are facing
the
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apply
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obesity problems, which automatically increases the pressure on
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the health
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health care
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healthcare
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sector. Some people
argued
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argue
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that
this
issue can be resolved with the introduction of physical courses in
the
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apply
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schools. In my opinion, it would definitely work.
This
essay will analyze my views
along with
examples in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
with,
availability
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the availability
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of physical education can
enhances
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enhance
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the knowledge of students related to their health. To explain,
the
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apply
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numerous pupils are still not fully aware
about
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of
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the food portions which they need to eat
for
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to
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maintain
the
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a
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healthy body but through
this
subject educational institutes can create awareness among the learners,
as
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and as
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a result, they will prefer
balanced
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a balanced
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portion of diet rather than eating carbs only.
For instance
, when I was in school, no one told us about
vitamines
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vitamins
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and proteins because of that I went through
obese
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obesity
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issues.
However
, coaching centres can mitigate these obstacles through better teaching.
Furthermore
, with the help of these
classes
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classes,
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teachers can motivate their trainees for more physical movements.In other
world
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words
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, the curriculum of
this
learning includes weekly races, and full participation in games like football, basketball
as well
as
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and
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cricket. All these activities
useful
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are useful
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to burn extra calories, and
as a result
,
reduction in
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reduce
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the number of people who are unhealthy
due to
their overweight.
For example
, as per
research
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the research
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of
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by
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the
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apply
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Harved
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Harvard
University, around 32 % institute of Europe add
this
section
in
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to
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their syllabus and they get
best
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the best
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results with
this
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these
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efforts
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effort
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.
To conclude
,
although
schools provide information related to other crucial courses, which individuals can use
get
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to get
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better
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a better
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job
but
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I believe it is
duty
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the duty
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of
school
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the school
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to spread awareness
in
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among
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the
learner
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learners
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related to their physical health
also
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and also
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to protect them from different diseases.
Submitted by arshkaurbrar on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear punctuation marks and spacing. As seen, expressions like 'contemporary area,it is', 'motivetheir', need clear spacing.
coherence cohesion
Focus on more transitions and connectors for smoother readability. Addressed sufficiently but can be slightly more fluid.
task achievement
Try to avoid grammatical issues. Phrases like 'can enhances' and 'vitamines' need correction. Proofreading may help.
task achievement
Provide a broader range of examples. Examples enhance comprehensiveness and relate more specifically to points being addressed.
task achievement
Clear stance in the introduction paragraph with appropriate statements for contextual relevance.
coherence cohesion
Balanced and thoughtful conclusion aligned effectively with the argument presented.
task achievement
Provided relevant specific examples related to personal experience and external research which supports main points strongly.
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