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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that thebest way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #thebest #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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In the contemporary area,it is an irrefutable fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 there is an exponential surge of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people who are facing
the
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apply
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obesity problems, which automatically increases the pressure on
Add an article
the health
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health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
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 sector. Some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
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 that
this
 issue can be resolved with the introduction of physical courses in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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schools. In my opinion, it would definitely work.
This
 essay will analyze my views
along with
 examples in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
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 of physical education can
enhances
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enhance
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 the knowledge of students related to their health. To explain,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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numerous pupils are still not fully aware
about
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of
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 the food portions which they need to eat
for
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to
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 maintain
the
Correct article usage
a
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 healthy body but through
this
 subject educational institutes can create awareness among the learners,
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result, they will prefer
balanced
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a balanced
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 portion of diet rather than eating carbs only.
For instance
, when I was in school, no one told us about
vitamines
Correct your spelling
vitamins
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 and proteins because of that I went through
obese
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obesity
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 issues.
However
, coaching centres can mitigate these obstacles through better teaching.
Furthermore
, with the help of these
classes
Add a comma
classes,
show examples
 teachers can motivate their trainees for more physical movements.In other
world
Correct your spelling
words
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, the curriculum of
this
 learning includes weekly races, and full participation in games like football, basketball
as well
as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 cricket. All these activities
useful
Add a missing verb
are useful
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 to burn extra calories, and
as a result
,
reduction in
Wrong verb form
reduce
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 the number of people who are unhealthy
due to
 their overweight.
For example
, as per
research
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the research
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of
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by
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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Harved
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Harvard
 University, around 32 % institute of Europe add
this
 section
in
Change preposition
to
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 their syllabus and they get
best
Correct article usage
the best
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 results with
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
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.
To conclude
,
although
 schools provide information related to other crucial courses, which individuals can use
get
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to get
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better
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a better
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 job
but
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apply
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I believe it is
duty
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the duty
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 of
school
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the school
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 to spread awareness
in
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among
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 the
learner
Fix the agreement mistake
learners
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 related to their physical health
also
Correct word choice
and also
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 to protect them from different diseases.
Submitted by arshkaurbrar on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clear punctuation marks and spacing. As seen, expressions like 'contemporary area,it is', 'motivetheir', need clear spacing.
coherence cohesion
Focus on more transitions and connectors for smoother readability. Addressed sufficiently but can be slightly more fluid.
task achievement
Try to avoid grammatical issues. Phrases like 'can enhances' and 'vitamines' need correction. Proofreading may help.
task achievement
Provide a broader range of examples. Examples enhance comprehensiveness and relate more specifically to points being addressed.
task achievement
Clear stance in the introduction paragraph with appropriate statements for contextual relevance.
coherence cohesion
Balanced and thoughtful conclusion aligned effectively with the argument presented.
task achievement
Provided relevant specific examples related to personal experience and external research which supports main points strongly.
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