IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people beleive that high sugar levels cause more health problems. make it more expensive to reduce the health issues. do you agree or disagree ?

#people #beleive #sugar #levels #health
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It is believed by many individuals that the consumption of
products
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 having high
sugar
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 leads to more
health
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 problems and increasing the
prices
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 of
such
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products
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 can help to decrease these issues. I firmly disagree with
this
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 viewpoint and will discuss other steps to overcome these problems in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, high
sugar
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 levels can lead to serious
health
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 issues
such
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 as obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. Increment in the cost of sugary
products
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 can reduce consumption to very extent,
consequently
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,
people
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 can feel better
in
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
health
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.
Furthermore
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, high
prices
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 might motivate
people
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 to buy healthy food
such
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 as fruits and green vegetables.
Also
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,
according to
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 human nature,
people
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 like to buy cheap
products
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 and avoid spending too much money even though they like a particular product.
For example
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,
a news
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news
a piece of news
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broadcasted
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broadcast
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 on BBC news channel says that 20% of the population stopped buying food
due to
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 their higher
prices
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. Moving forward, raising
prices
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 is not the only solution to reduce
health
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 issues. One prominent factor is that low-income families can have negative consequences, as they might rely on cheap
products
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 only.
Therefore
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, other steps can be considered to tackle
this
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 problem.
Firstly
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, educational and awareness sessions can be conducted to aware
people
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 of the harmful impacts of taking high levels of
sugar
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.
Secondly
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, healthier options can be promoted on social media platforms to motivate
people
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.
Lastly
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, the government should impose some strict rules to lower the amount of
sugar
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 in
products
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. To recapitulate, increasing the
prices
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 of sweet
products
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 is not the only solution to mitigate
health
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 problems,
i
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I
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 believe other steps should be taken into consideration
such
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 as awareness training sessions and applying serious regulation by the higher authority.
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task achievement
Ensure that your main points are consistently supported with specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using more linking words and phrases.
task achievement
The response addresses the task effectively, presenting clear arguments and a well-rounded conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion well.
coherence cohesion
Each main point is introduced well, making the essay easy to follow.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • high sugar levels
  • health problems
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • reduce consumption
  • public health
  • healthier options
  • negative consequences
  • financial strain
  • low-income families
  • education and awareness campaigns
  • government policies
  • subsidize
  • healthier food alternatives
  • accessible
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