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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest.

The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest.
#percentage #persons #five #years #bar #arrest
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The pie chart illustrates the percentage of individuals arrested in 5 years until 1994,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart displays the most recent causes
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 arrest. On the one hand, 32% of
males
Use synonyms
 got arrested in 1994 whilst 68% of
males
Use synonyms
 did not get arrested.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, 9% of
females
Use synonyms
 were arrested in 1994
while
Linking Words
 91% of
females
Use synonyms
 were not arrested.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public drinking was the leading reason which is recorded as 31% of
males
Use synonyms
 and 37% of
females
Use synonyms
. The second major reason for
males
Use synonyms
 was
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
drink
Replace the word
drunk
show examples
 driving
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 reached 26% of
males
Use synonyms
, showing 14% of
females
Use synonyms
 as well.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, cases of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
theft were 16% of
males
Use synonyms
 and 12% of
females
Use synonyms
 which shows
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 similar trend as the breach of
order
Add an article
the order
an order
show examples
. The bar chart for the assault showed 16% of
males
Use synonyms
 and 19% which exhibits a higher percentage of
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 rather than
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, less
10
Change preposition
than 10
show examples
% of each group didn't reveal their reasons.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words males, females with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pie chart
  • percentage
  • arrests
  • bar chart
  • trends
  • age group
  • contrast
  • significance
  • factors
  • societal implications
  • crime
  • economic
  • social factors
  • legal factors
  • preventive measures
  • interventions
  • data analysis
  • demographics
  • reasons for arrest
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