IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the goverment is responsible for crime prevention. Others think that it is individuals responsibility to pretocet themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Since the massive global crisis and lack of occupations, crimes have risen significantly anywhere across the globe. It has been a great contention, whether safety is
government
Use synonyms
 authority or it merely one's responsibility.
While
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 I personally believe the lack of performance of the
government
Use synonyms
 is the largest donor, fostering self-awareness is imperative to prevent crimes.
Firstly
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, criminal activities frequently occur in a country because the suspects are forced to do it. Despite it being wrong , the crooks tend not to have a choice beyond the illegal way to occupy their emergency and urgent necessities, including lack of job opportunities, high inflation, and unplanned accidents.
For instance
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, a father will steal food in a supermarket to feed his child or become a drug dealer to raise money.
According to
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 the former factors, the
government
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 should publish a robust regulation to nurture inhabitants' prosperity. To exemplify, the authorities should adjust the working policy, increase the minimum salary, or reduce income taxes for special categories.
Secondly
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,
besides
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 the reasons I aforementioned before, illegal activities could appear because there are opportunity or error gaps that could be capitalized by irresponsible people. The suspects are tempted to do it because they are protected by chance.
For instance
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, a wallet robbery, many times, happens because the victim lacks awareness.
For
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this
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 reason, everyone should foster self-awareness as a mitigation procedure to avoid unnecessary accidents.
To sum up
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, a well-planned regulation from the
government
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 to prevent financial problems would significantly reduce crimes.
Additionally
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, early mitigation action from i

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organization
Make sure to provide a clear and concise conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed in your essay. This will help in rounding off your argument more effectively.
content
Ensure that all main points are equally developed and well-supported with relevant examples. This will add depth to your essay and make your argument more convincing.
task response
You have addressed the task prompt well by discussing both views and giving your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction and body paragraphs that each discuss a specific point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • legislation
  • law enforcement
  • social programs
  • comprehensive strategies
  • personal responsibility
  • proactive measures
  • security systems
  • community-based initiatives
  • neighborhood watch
  • workshops
  • socioeconomic factors
  • crime rates
  • underlying issues
  • poverty
  • education
  • unemployment
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