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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#concept #success #interpretations #individuals #work #determination #factors #wealth #appearance
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The meaning of
success
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 has varied ways to say. Some
people
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 say that
success
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 is difficult work,
while
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 others say, and I believe that
success
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 can be achieved with a lot of
money
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 and a good appearance. On the one hand, hard work and determination can be said to be the meaning of
success
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. With hard work,
people
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 can reach their goals and dreams.
For example
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, my sister is a businesswoman and she reached his dreams with strong and stayed goals. She always gives me advice that if I want to be successful, I must have good intentions to reach something and go it thing with all my strength.
However
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, I believe that
this
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 does not the actual meaning of
success
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 and I think that there is a better way to describe the word
success
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.
On the other hand
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, an attractive face and a huge amount of
money
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 can give you a feeling of a successful person. With
money
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, you can buy anything in the modern world and with a beautiful appearance you can attract a lot of
people
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.
For instance
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, Japanese scientists opened the news that if a man has a lot of
money
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,
this
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 can make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
person more successful than other
people
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 in the near because of psihologially of humans. I believe that
this
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 way is more nearly to word
success
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.
In addition
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, some say that strong discipline and a hard job are the main ideas of
success
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, but I think that
this
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 word is more synonym for words
money
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 and appearance.
Submitted by Kawasaki on

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task achievement
You did a good job introducing both viewpoints in the introduction. However, the phrasing could be clearer. Consider tightening your sentences to avoid ambiguity. For example, rephrase 'The meaning of success has varied ways to say' to 'The concept of success varies among individuals.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency and clarity in your arguments. There are some repetitive phrases and minor grammatical errors that might confuse the reader. For example, instead of 'However, I believe that this does not the actual meaning of success,' you could say 'However, I believe that this is not the actual meaning of success.'
task achievement
Work on making your points more explicit and well-supported. Further elaboration on your examples will make your arguments stronger. Include more specific details to support the viewpoint that wealth and appearance contribute to success.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the logical flow of your essay. Some sections feel a bit abrupt. Transition words and phrases can help link ideas more smoothly. For example, 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' can be followed by more detailed transitions.
coherence cohesion
Your essay structure is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You have provided examples to support your points, which helps to illustrate your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your opinion effectively and links back to the main argument of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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