IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age from work outweigh the disadvantages?

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The concept of increasing the
retirement
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age
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 is gaining more popularity in various countries.
While
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this
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 admittedly has certain benefits, I would contend that these are overshadowed by the drawbacks. Admittedly, delaying the
retirement
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age
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 can be advantageous to a certain extent. One significant benefit is the improvements in physical and mental health.
For example
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, a considerable number of taxi drivers in Japan are over 65 years old, though their
age
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 of
retirement
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 is 60.
This
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 not only helps the elderly to be clear-headed as they get to communicate with passengers, but it
also
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 allows them to stay concentrated on their work, leading to prolonged life span and mental sharpness.
Additionally
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,
this
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 trend may alleviate financial pressures on families.
This
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 is because older people tend to be financially dependent if they retire at an early
age
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. Indeed, many families have to employ a domestic worker where hectic schedules make it challenging for individuals to look after their parents, leading to a fixed amount of money spent on
this
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 service monthly and putting a strain on families. Despite the aforementioned benefits, it is my firm conviction that
this
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 trend is riddled with a litany of problems. One legitimate concern revolves around productivity within businesses. Older-aged workers are less adept at adapting to technological advancements compared to younger generations.
For example
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, in the manufacturing sector, older workers might struggle to operate or adapt to new automated systems, resulting in slower production processes and increased error rates ultimately.
Additionally
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, a higher
retirement
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age
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 could jeopardise family bonds. As a matter of fact, elderly individuals should ideally make the most of their
retirement
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 period by pursuing personal interests and spending time with family.
However
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, extending the
age
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 of
retirement
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 will encourage them to remain in the workforce longer, undermining the fabric of family life
due to
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 little intergenerational bonding among family members. In conclusion,
while
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 acknowledging the advantages of extending
retirement
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age
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 in terms of health conditions and financial side, I am of the opinion that these are eclipsed by the drawbacks associated with productivity and family relationships.

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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the topic and provides a balanced view. However, you could enhance your argument by including more diverse examples from various sectors beyond just taxi drivers and the manufacturing sector.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is well-organized, consider using more linking phrases to further enhance the flow between paragraphs. This would make the argument even more cohesive.
introduction conclusion
Your essay has a clear and appropriate introduction and conclusion that nicely encapsulate your main arguments.
supported main points
You provided substantial support for your main points, particularly in how raising the retirement age impacts mental sharpness and family bonds.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
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