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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it's effect on a child.

#children #parents #job #time #effect #child
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There is no denying the fact that parents encourage
children
 to obtain leisure
time
 is essential in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life. The benefits of free
time
 to get
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 job for the
children
 have increased in recent years. It is useful to utilize wonderful free
time
 with family. In
this
 essay, the two viewpoints will be argued.
To begin
 with, on the one hand, it is believed by some
people
 there are many benefits of leisure
time
. The initial one to consider is that some
boys
 and
girls
 learn new periods in their free
time
 because it is useful and better .
In other words
, when parents support their
children
 to improve their skills, they can get power and energy.
In addition
, some
boys
 and
girls
 in free
time
 fell over the moon. To elaborate more, they can play games
such
 as football and cars with family and friends to get wonderful mood in their free
time
. A study published by New York University concluded that 90% of
children
 in recent years in the city have increased using computers and phones.
On the other hand
, some
people
 believe that there are many negatives of free
time
. First of all, some
boys
 and
girls
 have more free
time
 at weekends it is worthless because it is
happening
Verb problem
causing
show examples
 more problems.
In other words
, when
children
 have more leisure
time
 in the days, they can't
create
Verb problem
make
show examples
 new friends and
also
Add a missing verb
are also
show examples
 bad mood.
Therefore
, some
children
 have difficulty communicating with others. In conclusion, there are no basic answers to
this
 topic.
people
 have different views. From my own personal point of view, a lot of
people
 need more information about supplying
boys
 and
girls
 to save free
time
. It is better to exchange our experience about
this
 issue.
Submitted by shaikhaalrashidi24 on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear structure, but it needs additional development to fully address the prompt. Make sure to clearly outline both the advantages and disadvantages of children having part-time jobs as per the topic provided.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. This will help in making your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Focus on improving the coherence by logically organizing your ideas and using linking words effectively to make your essay flow smoother from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
You should aim to provide a more balanced perspective in your conclusion, summarizing key points from both sides before giving your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, giving your essay a clear beginning and end.
task achievement
You've managed to present both viewpoints, which shows that you understand the topic holistically.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work experience
  • time management
  • responsibility
  • teamwork
  • financial skills
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • balancing work and school
  • stress and burnout
  • academic performance
  • extracurricular activities
  • hobbies
  • socializing
  • overall development
  • well-being
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