IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their appearance in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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It goes without saying that every human being in the world
have
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has
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 an enormous desire to be attractive, gorgeous and of course look young. Nowadays, we have a tendency among
individuals
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 in senior age, who spend a lot of money in order to
change
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 their
appearance
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 considerably. Let me examine both sides of
this
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 issue before making a concrete decision about the ramifications of
this
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 trend. First and foremost, we live in the 21st century and undoubtedly it provides us with a multitude of privileges in comparison with our ancestors. If citizens of urban and cosmopolitan places have thoughts and intentions to
change
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 their bodies or
faces
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face
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due to
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 their dissatisfaction with it, they can easily visit plastic surgeons and they will
change
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 their
overall
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 look noticeably. As we know, the expenditures of
individuals
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 for visiting qualified and professional specialists cost a lot of money and they can even take out a loan. Obviously, there are a multitude of circumstances why exactly
individuals
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 disburse a considerable amount of cash. To cite an example, citizens cannot accept the fact of changing
appearance
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 with getting older. It leads to psychological problems like anxiety, depression and unending comparison with other
individuals
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 who look younger. As evidence,
according to
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 the American Society of Plastic
surgeons
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Surgeons
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 even if
individuals
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 look pretty they want to do injections of botox, blepharoplasty, rhinoplasty, abdominoplasty and others.
Last
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, but not least there are a lot of predictable beneficial and negative consequences of spending money to
change
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appearance
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. Some people cannot stop doing surgery and trying new procedures on them.
Subsequently
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, their facial transformations lead to drastic and overwhelmingly unaltered changes with which they lose their identity as human beings and their self-perception will suffer.
However
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, if inhabitants pay attention to their
appearance
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, health and tiny changes in their bodies it can be a magnificent way to avoid a feeling of old age.
For instance
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,
individuals
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 will visit fitness clubs, spa procedures
as well as
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 cosmetologists and they will look fresh and younger.
To sum up
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, it is a double-edged sword and there are versatile reasons why citizens prefer to look young. From my own perspective, I suppose to think that drawbacks of
this
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 issue tip the scales and I wholeheartedly believe that
this
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 trend should be changed.

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task response
While your essay offers a balanced discussion of the topic, it could benefit from a deeper exploration of the reasons behind the desire to look younger and the implications of this trend. Providing more specific examples and data to support your arguments would strengthen your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences to guide the reader through your ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point for better clarity.
introduction and conclusion
You have a clear introduction that sets the context for the discussion and a conclusion that summarizes your perspective well.
logical structure
You use a variety of cohesive devices effectively, which helps the flow of your essay.
supported main points
Your essay includes relevant examples, such as the reference to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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