Excessive computer gaming is one of the biggest threats to children's physical and mental health in the 21st century. Discuss the problems and associated solutions for this issue.

Nowadays, people argue that
computer
gaming has the most impact on
children
's physical and mental health in the 21st century.
This
essay will discuss why these problems happen and how to solve these issues. On the one hand, most youngster spend most of their
time
playing
computer
gaming for their entertainment or others,
therefore
,
this
must cause less
time
for their outdoor activities or physical training.
Children
who play games too much
time
on their computers must increase their eye strain which has more negative effects on their mental health.
For example
, when I was a kid, I spent
time
on my
computer
for about 5 hours per day,
hence
, now I have to use myopia glasses during the day.
Moreover
,
children
can be
computer
addicted,
then
it could lead to disobedience to their
parents
.
On the other hand
,
parents
should control their kids to play games at the right
time
and be more serious about their child's healthcare
such
as living earlier,
eating
Correct word choice
and eating
show examples
healthy food for their growth.
Furthermore
,
parents
might have more
time
to focus and persuade them to go out to sites to exercise or improve their relationships together.
For instance
, my dad arranged schedules of exercise sessions for me and my dad will be a coach. There are several things to solve
this
problem depending on how the environment around youngsters is. In conclusion,
computer
games should be a negative thing for
children
because they cause many problems in various ways.
Additionally
,
parents
be involved in their students to ensure their lives in the future.
Submitted by napatnp18065322 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear response to the task. However, the arguments could be more developed and elaborated in some areas. For instance, the introduction could introduce the problems and solutions more concretely.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is well-organized, but some paragraphs could flow more smoothly. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs should be clearer. Consider using signposting phrases like 'First,' 'Secondly,' 'Furthermore,' etc.
task achievement
Expand on certain points to make your arguments stronger. For example, further details on how to implement parental control on gaming time or specific types of outdoor activities could be useful.
coherence cohesion
Conclusion is present and summarized the main ideas well. Just make sure it fully encapsulates the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. The personal example provided is good, but more statistical or factual evidence could help in solidifying your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion appropriately.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and address the task prompt, focusing on both problems and solutions.
task achievement
The personal example adds a personal touch and makes the essay more engaging.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive
  • threats
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • associated
  • problems
  • solutions
  • address
  • issue
  • computer gaming
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