IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Excessive computer gaming is one of the biggest threats to children's physical and mental health in the 21st century. Discuss the problems and associated solutions for this issue.

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Nowadays, people argue that
computer
Use synonyms
 gaming has the most impact on
children
Use synonyms
's physical and mental health in the 21st century.
This
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 essay will discuss why these problems happen and how to solve these issues. On the one hand, most youngster spend most of their
time
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 playing
computer
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 gaming for their entertainment or others,
therefore
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,
this
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 must cause less
time
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 for their outdoor activities or physical training.
Children
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 who play games too much
time
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 on their computers must increase their eye strain which has more negative effects on their mental health.
For example
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, when I was a kid, I spent
time
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 on my
computer
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 for about 5 hours per day,
hence
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, now I have to use myopia glasses during the day.
Moreover
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,
children
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 can be
computer
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 addicted,
then
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 it could lead to disobedience to their
parents
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.
On the other hand
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,
parents
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 should control their kids to play games at the right
time
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 and be more serious about their child's healthcare
such
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 as living earlier,
eating
Correct word choice
and eating
show examples
 healthy food for their growth.
Furthermore
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,
parents
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 might have more
time
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 to focus and persuade them to go out to sites to exercise or improve their relationships together.
For instance
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, my dad arranged schedules of exercise sessions for me and my dad will be a coach. There are several things to solve
this
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 problem depending on how the environment around youngsters is. In conclusion,
computer
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 games should be a negative thing for
children
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 because they cause many problems in various ways.
Additionally
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,
parents
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 be involved in their students to ensure their lives in the future.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear response to the task. However, the arguments could be more developed and elaborated in some areas. For instance, the introduction could introduce the problems and solutions more concretely.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is well-organized, but some paragraphs could flow more smoothly. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs should be clearer. Consider using signposting phrases like 'First,' 'Secondly,' 'Furthermore,' etc.
task achievement
Expand on certain points to make your arguments stronger. For example, further details on how to implement parental control on gaming time or specific types of outdoor activities could be useful.
coherence cohesion
Conclusion is present and summarized the main ideas well. Just make sure it fully encapsulates the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. The personal example provided is good, but more statistical or factual evidence could help in solidifying your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion appropriately.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and address the task prompt, focusing on both problems and solutions.
task achievement
The personal example adds a personal touch and makes the essay more engaging.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive
  • threats
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • associated
  • problems
  • solutions
  • address
  • issue
  • computer gaming
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