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Band 5.5

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #malls #fear #effects #society
There are some who believe that a certain group of young residents now spends almost
of
Correct pronoun usage
all of
show examples
 their
time
 shopping which can lead to some disadvantages
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
This
 writer totally agrees with that assumption because shopping frequently not only
influenced
Wrong verb form
influences
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
finance but
also
 reduces the energy on other active
activities
. It must be acknowledged that spending too much
time
 shopping may waste a lot of money as young
people
 tend to purchase numerous items that are not really necessary to their lives.
Additionally
, young
people
 now are usually
attractive
Replace the word
attracted
show examples
 to goods that are on a discount and hardly control their pockets.
Also
, youngsters buy things just to catch up with the trend without considering their function, so after using them once or twice, they put them in a corner and never use them again.
This
 current state of indiscriminate shopping has a great impact on the economy and society since it leads to an increase in the amount of trash and harms the environment. Another point to take into consideration is the waste of
time
, shopping in Malls normally takes a lot of
time
 so young
people
 have less chance of trying other
activities
.
Time
 spent on shopping can be replaced by participating in life skills classes or sports
activities
 that can enhance
people
's standard of living and improve their health. These active
activities
 can
also
 help young
people
 keep it and reduce stress from work, and it is more beneficial than burning money on shopping recklessly. In conclusion, spending too much free
time
 shopping is not just an individual problem but
also
 influences the community.
This
 essay gave some benefits of other
activities
instead
 of spending
time
 shopping in malls.
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task achievement
While the essay addresses the prompt and provides a coherent argument, try to integrate more specific examples to strengthen your points. This would help in making your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding a clear thesis statement in your introduction to outline your main points. This will help in guiding the reader through your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction does well to present the topic and your stance.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical flow, with each paragraph building on the previous one.
task achievement
You provide multiple reasons for why spending too much time shopping can be disadvantageous, which demonstrates good comprehension of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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