IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people have more jobs at the same time. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #jobs #time
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In
this
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 day and age, in
order
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 to solve the financial burdens and
also
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 respond to the demands of each individual, more
inhabitants
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 decide to own more
jobs
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 at a particular
time
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.
However
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, more people argue that the trend creates a selfish environment
due to
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 the workers only spending
time
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 on tasks
instead
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 of family and hobbies. From my point of view, I believe the schedule of employees
also
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 should invest
time
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 in children and leisure activities in
order
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 to protect their health and family feelings. In
this
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 essay, I will present some valid points for
this
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 idea. In terms of reasons for that social phenomenon, more
inhabitants
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 today have to face issues from living standards
such
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 as demands of income or assets.
Therefore
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, the labour and intelligence employees work full
time
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 in several
jobs
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 to solve those individuals’s aforementioned problems.
Additionally
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, working hard in other missions
as well as
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 the key to accumulating money for investment in shares or allocation of property.
As a result
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, more residents can handle the expenditures from daily life and luxurious items.
For instance
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, Vietnamese poor people in contemporary society always own more than 2
jobs
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 in
order
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 to spend on crucial groceries
such
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 as rice, meat and vegetables or the middle class is employed with only the reason of becoming owners of houses and apartments. Notwithstanding, that phenomenon can devise detrimental effects on themself and including of surrounding relationships. The workers who only share
time
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 for other tasks cannot construct love effectively for their children and wives because the competition for assets comprises major minds in their brains.
In addition
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, overwork in the lack of advantageous conditions
such
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 as in coalmines, more
inhabitants
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 can own the highest opportunities to be victims of health problems
such
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 as lung cancers, issues of respiratory and cardiovascular diseases. The potential dangerous risk for major workers who have more
jobs
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 at present. In conclusion, in
order
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 to contribute to the protection of healthcare, relationships in the family and more than that financial income, more
inhabitants
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 have to devise a balance in life with a particular job and decline unnecessary spending.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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task achievement
Consider providing more detailed, varied, and relevant examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow within paragraphs. Ensure that each sentence connects smoothly to the next.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, as these can detract from the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic well, clearly presenting the writer's point of view and providing arguments for their stance.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the essay, making it easy for the reader to follow.
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