IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Films and computer games containing violence are popular. Some people say they have negative effect on society and should be banned. Others say they are just harmless relaxation. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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In the contemporary world, media is at the fingertips of everyone. Some people are fond of exploring flicks and
games
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 which contain outright
violence
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.
This
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 is becoming more and more popular through the smartphones. On one hand, there are certain views that these
games
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 or movies have deleterious consequences and should be restricted.
On the other hand
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, there are some perspectives against it.
This
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 essay tries to investigate both the arguments and state an opinion on it.
To begin
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 with,
Violence
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 in any form can desensitize vulnerable populations. When they watch violent cinemas or play
games
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 which contain graphic content, it makes them prone to aggressive behaviour and reduces empathy towards others. It can
also
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 contribute to the normalization of
violence
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 as an acceptable method of conflict resolution.
For instance
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, an American schoolboy shot his colleagues after a conflict between them, which was motivated by a famous video game, named PubG.
In addition
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,
this
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 should be banned to maintain social health and well-being.
For example
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, they should be limited to a mature audience with clear warnings similar to tobacco and alcohol , which pose risks to health.
Hence
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, one can say that
violence
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 in the
games
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 and movies is a threat to social harmony and they should be intervened well.
On the contrary
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, Many users observe the media as a means to relieve stress and as entertainment. The majority of the consumers can distinguish between reels and reality very well. They think that engaging in violent
games
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 or films can offer a harmless outlet for frustrations.
Moreover
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, any kind of restrictions warrant the mitigation of freedom of expression and creativity, The makers should be able to explore all themes, including
violence
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 for storytelling.
To conclude
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,
although
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 there are some inadvertent effects of
violence
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 on the silver screen and video
games
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, they should not be censored.
Instead
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, better parenting and education can mitigate the ill effects.

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task achievement
Make sure to consistently address both sides of the argument in a balanced manner and expand on specific examples for better illustration.
coherence cohesion
Maintain a more formal and academic tone throughout, avoiding casual phrases such as 'try to investigate.'
language
Proofread to eliminate minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings to improve clarity.
logical structure
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure to the discussion.
task achievement
The main points on both sides of the argument are presented clearly, showing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Good transitions between paragraphs enhance the flow of ideas, contributing significantly to coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • empathy
  • aggressive behavior
  • normalization of violence
  • explicit content
  • mature audiences
  • societal well-being
  • content restrictions
  • fictional violence
  • stress relief
  • personal consequences
  • outlet
  • pent-up emotions
  • censorship
  • freedom of expression
  • artistic expression
  • storytelling
  • parental guidance
  • negative impacts
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