IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Excessive traffic has made cities unpleasant places to live and work in. For this reason, private cars should be completely banned from city centers. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#traffic #cities #places #work #reason #cars #city #centers
The increasing
number
 of unsuitable
traffic
 has made cities become awful places to live and work in.
Therefore
, I agree that private cars should not allowed to pass in the
city
 centre
due to
 the growing amount of
air
pollution
 and
traffic
 jams.
To begin
 with, there are so many factors that cause
air
pollution
, one of which is the car's exhaust. If the Government cares more about
pollution
, it should create a law to reduce the
number
 of cars used in the
city
.
Thus
, can make the
air
 in the
city
 become fresher.
Furthermore
, people in there can live healthier as they inhale the good quality of
air
.
On the other hand
, when States allow folk to use their cars in the
town
, there will be a
traffic
 jam anywhere there.
Consequently
, urban areas are not enjoyable to live in.
Besides
, humans in there would need more time to reach their workplace or office. To compare, when two individuals have the same job but in different areas, one in the
city
 and another in pedestrian. The distance to the office is the same in
number
. But,
due to
traffic
 jams, the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who live in the
city
 spend more time on the road rather than in the office.
Consequently
, his/her time to work becomes ineffective.
Therefore
, banning a car in
town
 might be the best choice. In conclusion, the
town
 should be a comfortable place to live and work .
Therefore
, I, remain convinced that the Government should make a law to restrict private car use in
town
 as it can reduce the
number
 of
air
pollution
 and
traffic
 jams.
Submitted by alfathemaster on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Maintain this organization to ensure clarity.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use more linking words and phrases such as 'for instance,' 'in addition,' and 'moreover.' This will help in smoothly connecting ideas.
task achievement
The main points are relevant, but they could be better supported with detailed examples and further elaboration. Consider providing specific instances or data to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to vary your vocabulary and avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using 'traffic jam,' you could use 'congestion' or 'gridlock.'
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and summarize the main points effectively. This adds to the overall cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question and provides relevant points about air pollution and traffic jams, which demonstrate a clear response to the task.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay well. Each paragraph has a specific focus, which improves readability.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Emissions
  • Air pollution
  • Global warming
  • Noise pollution
  • Pedestrian-friendly
  • Public transportation
  • Green spaces
  • Urban residents
  • Enforcing the ban
  • Exceptions
  • Mental well-being
  • Healthier lifestyles
  • Local businesses
  • Tourism
  • Offset the need
What to do next:
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