IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation #reason
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Due to
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 the long working hours these days,
people
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 have less and less
time
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 to relax
additionally
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 unwind. Personally, I believe that working for a long
time
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 has many pros and cons. Both will be answered in
this
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 essay by explaining the benefits and drawbacks of working for a long
time
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 and
also
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 will include some examples and a conclusion.
To begin
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 with the disadvantages of working hard, some
people
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 are looking for financial freedom which leads to harm to their health. To illustrate, some
people
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 are working for a long
time
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 without taking a rest they spending all the
time
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 on their work after several years may be harmful to them. What I mean is that some
people
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 may set up a new business and
then
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 they do not think about their health. Another con is that in some countries, reaching financial goals faster is hard
also
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 perhaps their manager is demanding or the cost of the life is high
then
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 they do not have a great
time
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 looking after their families or perhaps being with their children which causes plenty of issues.
For instance
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, in my city
people
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 are interested in achieving financial freedom,
therefore
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 they work very hard every day,
However
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, they always have problems.
On the other hand
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,
although
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 those
people
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 who think that working hard might give them more freedom they will get some benefits
such
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 as a great position in their community.
For example
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, in some countries, rich
people
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 lead the country. In conclusion, spending longer hours at work may bring wealth to our lives.
Consequently
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, it makes us bored, depressed, and hopeless sooner than expected, leaving us with a dull dark life.
Submitted by yosf1010 on

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task achievement
You need to present more specific and relevant examples to back up your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Try to achieve clearer and more comprehensive ideas. Elaborate more on your points to make your essay more insightful.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, and that there's a clear, logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.
general
Consider more careful proofreading to avoid small grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that can disrupt the reading flow.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay better by clearly separating your points into distinct paragraphs. This will make your arguments easier to follow.
task achievement
You successfully included both advantages and disadvantages of working long hours, which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the aim of the essay, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt and provides a complete response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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