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Band 5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation #reason
Nowadays, a lot of people have a prolonged
day
 of
work
, so it looks like they have
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 enough time to
rest
 and to spend it with their family or friends. I think that
this
 situation has more disadvantages for
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
several reasons. First and foremost,
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
work
Correct your spelling
workday
show examples
day
 doesn't mean long
hours
 of
really
Change the word
real
show examples
work
. Scientists said that all
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people, from all spheres of activity, have to
rest
 during the
day
. At least 15 minutes every 3 or 4
hours
, and one long break, like 30-45 minutes.
Otherwise
Add a comma
Otherwise,
show examples
 their
work
 became
noneffective
Correct your spelling
ineffective
show examples
. In
Sweden
Add a comma
Sweden,
show examples
 they tried to make a shorter
work
day
, 6
hours
instead
 of 8
hours
, and they have gotten the same results. That means that
as a result
 of the long
work
hours
 we have a very tired person, with
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 results, and probably some problems with his family.
Furthermore
, there are some European countries, which tried to make a shorter week - 4 days of
work
instead
 of 5 regular
work
 days. And they had gotten an amazing result - the same quantity of final products. Whilst in Japan there are a lot of companies which trying to improve the
work
 environment and they have organised the
rest rooms
Correct your spelling
restrooms
show examples
 with showers and beds in their offices. It
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
improved
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
employees
Change the noun form
employee
show examples
 satisfaction
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and raised the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of final products. In conclusion, I'm convinced, that the quantity is not the quality. People need to have more facilities to
rest
 and relax in their
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
, so they will be happier, and
consequently
, they will
work
 better.
Submitted by anastasia on

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on reasons and examples to support why long work hours are disadvantageous. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence. This helps in guiding the reader through your essay and maintaining coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your argument well.
task achievement
You have included some relevant examples, which help in illustrating your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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