IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Successful sports professional can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#sports #money #people #professions
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View1: appropriate recognition view2:
sports
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 do not provide necessary services. opinion: view 2: sportsperson can earn
money
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 from advertisement. Some people assume that it is fully justified for successful professional
sports
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 to make more
money
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 than other essential occupations. The writer of
this
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 essay believes that even though paying a wealth of
money
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 to
sports
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players
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 is necessary
due to
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 the appropriate recognition, these
players
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 do not provide indispensable services
such
Linking Words
 as doctors or teachers, and sportspersons can earn
money
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 from
advertisements
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. It must be understood that
sports
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 icons deserve to be high-salary. To put it simply, in order to become successful
sports
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players
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, they have to spend plenty of time practicing, face to the risks of injuries, dedicate their strength to spectacular matches,
therefore
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 good salary is the suitable remuneration for them. Take Cristiano Ronaldo
for instance
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, before being famous, he experienced hours of practice every day, different diets, etc.
thus
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 he is worthy for a great deal
money
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 because of his efforts.
However
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, these individuals do not create vital values for
society
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 as other jobs.
This
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 is because
sports
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 just satisfy the spectators on entertaining aspects,
whereas
Linking Words
 many other occupations which are associated with healthcare, and education, prove their essential role to the
society
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 by continuously providing high standard service.
As a result
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, it is unfair for people who create indispensable services for
society
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 when they receive far less
money
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 than
sports
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 icons. In my opinion, sportspersons should not have good pay because they can earn more from
advertisements
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.
In other words
Linking Words
, if these
players
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 become celebrities, they will have more opportunities to take part in advertising for any products by being invited by famous labels. Based on
this
Linking Words
 trend, these
sports
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players
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 can popularize many products and have a great deal from manufacturers.
As a result
Linking Words
, almost all football
players
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 earn
money
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 from
advertisements
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, and it becomes the main revenue of them. In conclusion, despite high salary is the essential remuneration for
sports
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 icons because of their dedication, it is unfair for some other important jobs because these
players
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 do not provide indispensable values for
society
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 and they can earn more
money
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 from
advertisements
Use synonyms
.
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task achievement
To improve Task Response, ensure you provide more specific examples or evidence for your arguments. Consider including references to additional sports personalities or data that shows their earnings compared to essential professions.
coherence cohesion
For Coherence and Cohesion, work on developing smoother transitions between your points. This can be achieved by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to guide the reader through your points more clearly.
coherence cohesion
You provided a well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your arguments were generally clear and comprehensible, and you addressed both views effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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