IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Universities should take the same number of men and women in each major. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The issue of
gender
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equality
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 remains a topic of significant debate.
While
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 some argue that
equality
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 between genders has been gained in most developed nations, others, including me, contend that we have to make
a
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apply
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substantial progress, particularly in less developed regions. On one hand, many believe that
gender
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equality
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 has already been achieved in most industrialized/ well-off
countries
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. In these nations, fields
such
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 as medicine, the military, and education are open to both men and
women
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, offering equal opportunities for education, employment, and professional growth.
For example
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, in
countries
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 like the United Kingdom, the United States, and Japan,
women
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 work alongside men in multinational companies without facing discrimination.
This
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 inclusion fosters a cohesive and friendly work environment, where individuals are valued based on their skills and contributions rather than their
gender
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. The progress made in these
countries
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 is often highlighted as evidence that
gender
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equality
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 has been realized.
However
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, I align with the viewpoint that a lot
need
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needs
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 to be done to achieve
a
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apply
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complete
gender
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 parity, especially in developing
countries
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. In nations
such
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 as Pakistan, Afghanistan, and Iran, societal norms often dictate that
women
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 should primarily be homemakers, responsible for household chores rather than pursuing careers in fields
such
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 as politics, trade, or sports. These cultural expectations significantly limit
women
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's opportunities and reinforce widespread stereotypes that portray
women
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 as inferior.
As a result
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, many
women
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 in these regions are unable to reach their full potential, and their contributions to society are undervalued or overlooked. The persistence of these inequalities suggests that true
gender
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equality
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 has not yet been achieved on a global scale. In conclusion,
while
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 developed
countries
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 may demonstrate significant strides towards
gender
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equality
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, the global picture reveals a more complex reality. In my opinion, there is still a long way to go to ensure that
women
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 everywhere have the same opportunities and rights as men.

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task achievement
While your essay provides a clear argument, it would benefit from addressing the specific question of whether universities should take the same number of men and women in each major. Make sure to tie your discussion more closely to the requirement of equal representation in academic majors.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to the next. Consider using more transitional phrases to enhance the flow of your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate additional specific examples or data to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and show a deeper level of engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps in maintaining coherence throughout.
task achievement
You have addressed different perspectives in your essay, which demonstrates a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your language and sentence structures are varied and articulate, which contributes positively to the readability of your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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