IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers.Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions

#sales #companies #people #money #workers #force #work #factors #consideration #staff #positions
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A
money
-oriented perspective is needed to be a good salesperson, as they can achieve targets from the
sales
company
. Is it all about
money
? Some people argue that
money
 is the main reason for people to do hard work.
However
, I believe that there are more important things than
money
,
such
 as passion as a salesman, and that's
also
 needed for the
company
 to recruit an employee in the
sales
 division. There are some values that the
company
 should consider as criteria when hiring employees for marketing.
Firstly
, a
sales
 passion,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is important to get employees with
this
value
. It will lead them to move by themselves. Because selling something is already part of his life.
Secondly
, target-oriented, which is crucial to make sure they can achieve all targets given by the
company
.
For example
, a car salesman with
minimum
Correct article usage
a minimum
show examples
5
Change preposition
of 5
show examples
cars as his target,
then
 he will use all his time to reach the target and not stop until it is on point. The next
value
 that needs to be attention is honesty
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since an honest salesperson represents the
value
 of the
company
. We can imagine if a house marketing that selling a house with lies, it will lead to untrustworthy from the customers. The
last
value
 is loyal to the
company
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it is important to create a
sales
 team. In conclusion, there is something more than
money
 and I strongly recommend the human resource department give more attention to the important values when they recruit for marketing.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your stance on the prompt, and match your conclusion with the introduction for a strong, coherent argument.
Task Achievement
Integrate examples more seamlessly into your argument to strengthen your points. Consider real-life scenarios or case studies related to sales and motivation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking devices to improve flow and coherence. Transitions like 'furthermore', 'moreover', and 'in addition to' can add complexity.
Task Achievement
You've made a strong case for considering values beyond financial motivation in hiring, which shows a deep understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively structured, aligning your essay with the task requirement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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