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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that it is beneficial to play sport in a team rather than playing an individual team. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many individuals acknowledge that
team
Use synonyms
 play has more significance than personal one.
Although
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 who
busy
Add a missing verb
are busy
show examples
 with the
sports
Use synonyms
 that are carried out by one person have an opportunity to take greetings for themselves, friendship and cooperation make group
sports
Use synonyms
 superior. Everybody wants to be appreciated and respected
as a result
Linking Words
 of their efforts. It is utterly natural.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals are more
self-centered
Change the spelling
self-centred
show examples
 than others. They are not likely to share positive things
such
Linking Words
 as compliments, and they may be right.
Inasmuchas
Correct your spelling
Inasmuch as
 success is obtained by their efforts. An
olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
show examples
 medalist
athletes
Fix the agreement mistake
athlete
show examples
,
for instance
Linking Words
, shoulders the burden by themselves,
therefore
Linking Words
 it is their right to get what is deserved.
Hence
Linking Words
, individual
sports
Use synonyms
 can be a choice for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sportsmen who are fond of the spotlight. Yet, the
sports
Use synonyms
 that are done by multiple
people
Use synonyms
 include many valuable
consepts
Correct your spelling
concepts
such
Linking Words
 as
team
Use synonyms
 chemistry and getting
along with
Linking Words
 teammates. For many
people
Use synonyms
, only these are enough to get into
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 branches. Accomplishing an arduous task as a
team
Use synonyms
 is invaluable for them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these types of
sports
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 paramount importance for children's life. By attending teams, they can enhance their social and sentimental skills.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
take
Verb problem
play
show examples
valuable
Add an article
a valuable
the valuable
show examples
 role in order to improve
people
Use synonyms
 humanly. In conclusion, it is true that many
sports
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 like to be flattered personally
as a result
Linking Words
 of their struggles. But, as it enhances humane values
such
Linking Words
 as mutual helping and sharing, being busy with
team
Use synonyms
sports
Use synonyms
 is far more beneficial.

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between the body paragraphs. Consider using more linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions.
task achievement
Provide a few more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This can help illustrate your points more effectively.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
The ideas are well-organized, and you have addressed both sides of the argument effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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