Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some people hold the view that
children
always waste their time on their smartphones and there are many reasons for that problem. from my observation, I suppose that
this
habit has many negative results for kids and teenagers, which I will discuss in
this
essay. From my perspective, I believe that there are many factors leading to the reliance of the young generation on their phones. First of all, the important reason is that parents aren'
t
pay attention to their
children
and it creates separation from each other,
this
excuse can make youngsters feel alone and they use smartphones to cover up disappointment.
Besides
that, many traditional games are impossible to attract as much as video games and it makes teenagers bored. Moving In my opinion, the above reasons make young people have negative effects and serious problems.
For example
,
children
waste too much time using social media which makes them lack communication skills and they can easily be affected by mental health problems.
Moreover
, youngster will not pay attention to their studies so they can'
t
demolish their learning results, it's
also
can make them disappointed in themselves.
Last
but not least, the generation gap is increasing because
children
don'
t
want to share their stories with their family members
such
as the kids aren'
t
joining in outdoor activities with their families. In conclusion, I hold the strong belief that teenagers relying on smartphones too much will create negative outcomes for themselves which can bring phenomena to future generations.
Submitted by ieltswritingpracticedl on

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Try to introduce more specific examples or statistics to support your points. This will strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Review grammar and word choice to avoid repetitive or awkward phrasing. For example, instead of saying 'aren't pay attention,' say 'aren't paying attention.' This will improve the fluency of your writing.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the reasons and effects of children spending hours on smartphones. This displays your understanding of the topic and helps in task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in giving it a good structure.

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  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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