Many governments think that economics progress is there most important goal some people fieber think that other type of progress are equally important for a country discuss both views and give your opinion
There are split arguments between the progress of
economy
aspect has a vital role in a country, Correct article usage
the economy
while
another group of thinkers argue that there are another type
of sectors that are on the same importance level as Fix the agreement mistake
other types
economy
, Correct article usage
the economy
such
as health. Personally, I agree with the second statement, and in this
essay, I will demonstrate the arguments of that point of view.
On the one hand, many people belive
that Correct your spelling
believe
field
related to money is Correct article usage
a field
essencial
for the development of human Correct your spelling
essential
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
due to
its sensitiveness
area that should be well regulated and the potential Replace the word
sensitivity
in
contagious effects if there are some disputes Change preposition
for
on
it. Change preposition
about
Moreover
, it is also
true that demand and supply is one of the activity
that happen closely in our daily Change to a plural noun
activities
life
. To illustrate this
, every day
absolutely folks do some Correct your spelling
everyday
economy
things in their Replace the word
economic
life
, such
as buying some goods for their consumptions
or manufacturing some products to earn money and become entrepreneurs. Fix the agreement mistake
consumption
This
approach will leads
to the whole economic chain process.
Change the verb form
lead
In contrast
, those who support another
progress is Correct quantifier usage
other
also
crucial will think that legislators should concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
to
the healthy living issues. The advancement in Change preposition
about
health
sector Add an article
the health
also
has a tremendous influence for
the number of Change preposition
on
life
and if it is not controlled in a good way, it could damage Fix the agreement mistake
lives
the
Correct article usage
apply
economics
progress as well. A good illustration Replace the word
economic
for
Change preposition
of
this
is the Covid-19
virus that Correct your spelling
COVID-19
widespread
Add a missing verb
is widespread
the
Correct article usage
apply
global
, already Change the word
globally
impact
Wrong verb form
impacted
on
the crisis in several developing countries. By Change preposition
apply
this
I mean people might take
high attention Verb problem
pay
in
good physical Change preposition
to
condition
for their safety and welfare.
After reviewing both views, it can be Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
finally
commented that while
the crash of economy
could Correct article usage
the economy
give
Verb problem
have
strong
effect Correct article usage
a strong
to
another aspect and Change preposition
on
also
happens in our day-to-day activities, another sector like healthiness also
play
a vital role Change the verb form
plays
for
the Change preposition
in
life
expectancy in a country.Submitted by as on
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task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the two viewpoints and the essay's intent, which is good. However, the phrasing is slightly awkward and contains some grammar errors. Try to proofread your work to catch these mistakes. For instance, instead of 'another type of sectors,' you could say, 'other sectors.'
task achievement
Provide more specific and detailed examples to support your points. Your mention of the Covid-19 virus is a good start, but it would be more effective if you added more statistics or details about how exactly it affected the economy and health sectors.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure with clear paragraphs dedicated to each viewpoint, but be sure to use more cohesive devices (such as 'Firstly,' 'Furthermore,' 'In addition'). This will help improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The concluding paragraph is present and does summarize the points made, which is good. To make it stronger, ensure it ties back to your initial thesis statement more explicitly.
task achievement
Your essay covers both views and you have given your own opinion, which is a crucial part of the task. This shows a clear understanding of the requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
You have attempted to provide relevant examples, which adds to the persuasiveness of your arguments.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example