IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some are of the opinion that children below the age of 12 shouldn’t be allowed to have a mobile phone. Others believe that mobile phones are a useful tool for children of all ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some argue that the provision of smartphones should be permitted to
children
Use synonyms
 from 12 years old onwards,
whereas
Linking Words
 others completely disagree and imply that anyone (including
children
Use synonyms
 who are much younger) should have the opportunity to use one and enjoy its benefits.
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees that
although
Linking Words
 mobile phones are able to provide useful tools, they do not
overweigh
Verb problem
outweigh
show examples
 the high risks that they might bring to a very young person. On one hand, the variety of advantages that are found thanks to the digital system applied in a smartphone, are incredible. From making a
videocall
Correct your spelling
video call
show examples
, sending instant messages and contacting anyone who lives on the other side of the world to watching educational videos that help
toodlers
Correct your spelling
toddlers
, preschoolers and any child to acquire knowledge through a more enjoyable experience. All of these represent a massive
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 evolution with a
benficial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 impact towards the way young generations apply knowledge.
For example
Linking Words
, educational videos
such
Linking Words
 as "Blippi" (a man making videos about any topic which includes songs for
children
Use synonyms
) on the YouTube website have
bit
Verb problem
been
show examples
 a great support for any young learner.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all the advantages of using phones, is it possible to say that they are
complete
Change the word
completely
show examples
 safe for everyone? When surfing on the internet, the risks faced are high, especially for kids who are in a more vulnerable position to be the target of scammers or people whose intentions are to manipulate them.
For example
Linking Words
, there are numerous child abusers who hide behind a screen in order to take advantage of the
children
Use synonyms
's vulnerability to catch their attention through the delivery of messages in order to apply "
Use synonyms
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 grooming".
Although
Linking Words
 some websites keep certain security, the risk of falling into
this
Linking Words
 kind of
traps
Fix the agreement mistake
trap
show examples
 will always be there. Unfortunately, the younger the users, the greater the risk. In conclusion, it is undeniable the great
adavantages
Correct your spelling
advantages
advantage
 that mobile phones have brought
with
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the years for people of all ages.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, from my point of view, it is evident that the risks presented (especially for the youngest ones) represent a much higher disadvantage which should stop parents from providing
this
Linking Words
 kind of digital devices to their
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Overall, you have effectively addressed both viewpoints, and your opinion is clear. However, refining the introductory sentence to better preface the discussion might improve clarity. Consider simplifying sentences for clearer communication.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is coherent and cohesive. However, smoother transitions between points could enhance readability. For example, in your second paragraph, phrase transitions can be used more strategically. For example: 'While smartphones offer numerous advantages such as video calls and educational videos...'.
task achievement
Ensure all main points are equally supported with substantial examples and evidence. For instance, while you provided a relevant example for educational benefits, it would be more balanced to also include specific cases tied to the security risks, such as recent events or studies on children and technology use.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents both perspectives and states your stance, setting a strong foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively restates your opinion and summarizes the key arguments, reinforcing the response to the task.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains logical structure and development, making it easy to follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: