Some are of the opinion that children below the age of 12 shouldn’t be allowed to have a mobile phone. Others believe that mobile phones are a useful tool for children of all ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#children #age #shouldn’t #phone #phones #tool #ages

Some argue that the provision of smartphones should be permitted to

children

from 12 years old onwards,

whereas

others completely disagree and imply that anyone (including

children

who are much younger) should have the opportunity to use one and enjoy its benefits.

This

essay agrees that

although

mobile phones are able to provide useful tools, they do not

overweigh

Verb problem

outweigh

show examples

the high risks that they might bring to a very young person. On one hand, the variety of advantages that are found thanks to the digital system applied in a smartphone, are incredible. From making a

videocall

Correct your spelling

video call

show examples

, sending instant messages and contacting anyone who lives on the other side of the world to watching educational videos that help

toodlers

Correct your spelling

toddlers

, preschoolers and any child to acquire knowledge through a more enjoyable experience. All of these represent a massive

technology

Replace the word

technological

show examples

evolution with a

benficial

Correct your spelling

beneficial

impact towards the way young generations apply knowledge.

For example

, educational videos

such

as "Blippi" (a man making videos about any topic which includes songs for

children

) on the YouTube website have

bit

Verb problem

been

show examples

a great support for any young learner.

On the other hand

, despite

Change preposition

apply

show examples

all the advantages of using phones, is it possible to say that they are

complete

Change the word

completely

show examples

safe for everyone? When surfing on the internet, the risks faced are high, especially for kids who are in a more vulnerable position to be the target of scammers or people whose intentions are to manipulate them.

For example

, there are numerous child abusers who hide behind a screen in order to take advantage of the

children

's vulnerability to catch their attention through the delivery of messages in order to apply "

children

Fix the agreement mistake

child

show examples

grooming".

Although

some websites keep certain security, the risk of falling into

this

kind of

traps

Fix the agreement mistake

trap

show examples

will always be there. Unfortunately, the younger the users, the greater the risk. In conclusion, it is undeniable the great

adavantages

Correct your spelling

advantages

advantage

that mobile phones have brought

with

Change preposition

over

show examples

the years for people of all ages.

Nevertheless

, from my point of view, it is evident that the risks presented (especially for the youngest ones) represent a much higher disadvantage which should stop parents from providing

this

kind of digital devices to their

children

Submitted by nila.hiperu on Wed Aug 14 2024

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task achievement

Overall, you have effectively addressed both viewpoints, and your opinion is clear. However, refining the introductory sentence to better preface the discussion might improve clarity. Consider simplifying sentences for clearer communication.

coherence cohesion

Your essay is coherent and cohesive. However, smoother transitions between points could enhance readability. For example, in your second paragraph, phrase transitions can be used more strategically. For example: 'While smartphones offer numerous advantages such as video calls and educational videos...'.

task achievement

Ensure all main points are equally supported with substantial examples and evidence. For instance, while you provided a relevant example for educational benefits, it would be more balanced to also include specific cases tied to the security risks, such as recent events or studies on children and technology use.

task achievement

Your introduction clearly presents both perspectives and states your stance, setting a strong foundation for the essay.

coherence cohesion

The conclusion effectively restates your opinion and summarizes the key arguments, reinforcing the response to the task.

coherence cohesion

Your essay maintains logical structure and development, making it easy to follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
12Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

361 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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Some are of the opinion that children below the age of 12 shouldn’t be allowed to have a mobile phone. Others believe that mobile phones are a useful tool for children of all ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Your opinion

There are a growing demand for fresh water nowadays and this is becoming a global problem. What are the causes and solutions.

Stress related illness are becoming increasingly common. What do you think are the causes of this. What is solution can you suggest?

In some countries, even though the rates of serious crimes are decreasing, people feel less safe than ever before. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?