IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many country average weight of the people increasing and fitness levels are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of problems and what measures could be taken solve them?

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In most countries, the average weight of people rising and fitness rates are declining. These issues happen
due to
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 high levels of consumption of fast food, a sedentary lifestyle and a lack of regular activity.
This
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 essay will discuss reasons for negative tendencies and present ways that contribute to solving the problem.
Firstly
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, in the world, fast foods and unbalanced diets cause many health problems including diabetes, high blood pressure and other illnesses.
Moreover
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, many residents have unstable nutrition habits,
for instance
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, unknown eating times
as well as
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 high-calorie foods. These have a bad impact immune system and irregular meal times damage our sleeping mode. Research conducted by Cambridge University demonstrated citizens who obtain big calories and have unstable eating habits faced reducing life expectancy.
Nevertheless
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, it seems as a big problem which can be solved by taking measures by the government.
For example
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, body structures which regulate and protect the health of the community can increase public awareness and define guidelines for nutrition.
On the other hand
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, lack of physical activity is a key factor
of
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in
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 obesity. Sometimes troubles do not depend on individuals. In the modern world, commuters’ daily routine consists of going to work and getting home and they do not have a chance to do sports.
Consequently
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, they lose exercise opportunities. Another thing is a key factor that has a bad impact on fitness level is money. In recent years, the cost of gym membership highly increased and it is the main obstacle for individuals. An investigation of EY, a big company chain, is evidence that established a small gym at the workplace which is free for employees.
As a result
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 of the investigation, 35% of workers lost weight and got a good appearance. In conclusion, bad diets and unavailable
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 places lead to obesity and health problems. Government and employers can regulate these issues by providing the public and workers with training hours, free gyms and healthy nutrition.

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task achievement
Your essay successfully addresses the topic and covers the causes of increasing weight and decreasing fitness levels. However, incorporating more detailed examples or case studies could further enhance the depth.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure all your points have a clear structure with distinct topic sentences and supporting details. This will enhance clarity and improve coherence. Your current transitions are good but can be made smoother.
language use
Be cautious with word choice and expressions to ensure clarity. Phrases such as "it seems as a big problem" could be refined for clarity - consider using "it seems to be a significant issue."
introduction
The essay provides a solid introduction, outlining the issues and stating the essay's purpose clearly.
task achievement
Strong examples like the EY company gym investigation increase the persuasiveness of your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • processed foods
  • high-calorie
  • fast food chains
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • balanced diet
  • economic factors
  • urbanization
  • green spaces
  • recreational areas
  • government initiatives
  • educational programs
  • accessibility
  • public awareness campaigns
  • subsidizing
  • nutritious foods
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