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Band 5.5

In some large cities, people have to pay a fee when they drive their cars into the city centre, in a policy to reduce the number of cars in the city. Give reasons in support of and opposing this policy, and give your own opinion.

#cities #people #fee #drive #cars #city #centre #policy #support
Nowadays more and more
people
 move by
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
cars
Fix the agreement mistake
car
show examples
that is
 why in some large
cities
 there are extra fees one needs to pay to enter the city and
this
 fee was created in order to reduce the
number
 of
cars
. I support
this
 policy because the more
cars
 , the more problems like
traffic
jams
 and
car
accidents
. In large
cities
 the lifestyle is active and everyone works and moves in
such
 big
cities
 by
cars
Fix the agreement mistake
car
show examples
 which can cause
traffic
jams
.
Traffic
jams
 are a negative consequence of
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
 amount of
cars
 because they stop
Add an article
the
show examples
movement from which
people
 can suffer from being late for work or wasting too much time.
Moreover
,
traffic
jams
 can be a source of noise pollution and the fact that
cars
 themselves can cause air pollution makes
people
 support
this
 policy.
As a result
,
traffic
jams
 can lead to
people
’s time loss and exacerbate noise and air pollution
Also
, an increase in the
number
 of
cars
 increases the
number
 of
car
accidents
. Not all of the drivers may not be professionals with high experience there can be lots of drivers starters or those who drive
cars
 in an alcoholic state.
Thus
, being the reason for road
accidents
.
Furthermore
, the strain on the existing roads
also
 can lead to poor road conditions which in combination with a large
number
 of
cars
 may cause a rise in the
number
 of
car
accidents
.
Therefore
 , the combination of above mentioned could
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the
number
 of road
accidents
.
People
 in some large
cities
 are obliged to pay an extra fee to enter the city centre.
This
 way it is aimed
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
number
 of
cars
 in the city.
This
 policy is a good alteration which can assist in avoiding problems related to
traffic
jams
 and
car
accidents
.
Submitted by zhadyra.serikbayeva2016 on

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task response
To improve task response, try to address both sides of the argument in a more balanced way and provide more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you can briefly discuss some potential drawbacks of the policy, such as the financial burden on low-income drivers, and then refute these points if you wish.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by ensuring a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. Use more transitional words and phrases to link ideas, which will help the reader follow your argument better. Also, try to use a clearer structural framework to discuss your points in a more organized way.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument and gives a clear structure.
supported main points
You have highlighted relevant issues such as traffic jams, air pollution, and car accidents, which are relevant to the topic and support your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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