IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not enough physical exercise. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures are there to this problem?

#doctors #people #today’s #world #exercise #pressures #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
"Nowadays,
people
 are not doing enough physical
exercise
 all over the world," said many doctors. Based on
this
 there are many reasons leading to
this
 idea and there are many solutions to tackle it,
such
 as the wider spread of
technology
 leads to a decrease in the amount of physical
exercise
 but to tackle it the government should encourage
people
 to do physical
exercise
 every
day
 to protect their health.
Firstly
 , the major reason for the loss of physical sports during the
day
 is that nowadays,
people
 are spending most of their
time
 on
technology
. To explain, these days the amount of
time
 using
technology
 is increasing,
such
 as
people
 need
technology
 to study, work and communicate.
For example
, children need
technology
 to study extra classes on the Internet, and university students depend on it to search for important information to write their projects and presentations.
This
 is easier for them because studying and researching through traditional methods can be
time
-consuming.
Moreover
, some
people
 find these methods boring.
Secondly
, there are many solutions to tackle
this
 issue and the main one is that create a strong program in all devices by the government to reduce the amount of spending
time
 on
technology
 and encourage
people
 to utilize their
time
 correctly.
For example
, they can divide their
day
 to do
exercise
 and consume the
technology
.
To sum up
,
although
 nowadays,
technology
 is one of the major things to succeed, users should divide their
day
 into good main stages and try to do
exercise
 every
day
.
Submitted by alharrasialanood7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve, ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the main argument with well-explained and relevant examples. For instance, include specific research findings or statistics that demonstrate the impact of technology on physical activity.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, ensure each paragraph flows logically from one to another, enhancing the overall structure of the essay.
logical structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which give the reader an overview of the issue and summarize the key points effectively.
complete response
The main points are relevant and address the question effectively, providing a thoughtful response to the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: