IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many young people spend a lot of time on computers, making them less active. What are the reasons? What are some solutions?

In recent years, a growing number of young people have become increasingly sedentary
due to
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 prolonged use of computers.
This
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 trend is primarily driven by the digitalization of education and entertainment.
However
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, there are several viable solutions that parents, educators, and policymakers can implement to address
this
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 issue effectively. One key reason for
this
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 phenomenon is the rise of digital learning. With the integration of technology into the education system, students are required to spend hours on computers for research, assignments, and virtual classes.
In addition
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, the growing popularity of online gaming and social media platforms
further
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 contributes to excessive screen time. These digital forms of entertainment are designed to be immersive and addictive, often discouraging young individuals from engaging in outdoor or physical activities. The convenience and instant gratification of virtual interactions have replaced traditional pastimes
such
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 as sports and outdoor play. To tackle
this
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 issue, a multi-faceted approach is needed.
Firstly
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, parents should establish clear boundaries regarding screen time and encourage a balanced daily routine that includes physical activities.
For instance
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, enrolling children in sports clubs or community-based recreational programs can foster an active lifestyle.
Secondly
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, schools can play a critical role by incorporating more physical education into the curriculum and promoting offline learning methods when possible.
Finally
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, governments can launch awareness campaigns highlighting the health risks of a sedentary lifestyle and promote nationwide fitness initiatives targeted at the youth. In conclusion, the overuse of computers among young people is mainly
due to
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 academic demands and the allure of digital entertainment.
However
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, with coordinated efforts from families, schools, and authorities, it is possible to reduce screen dependency and promote a more active and healthier generation.

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task achievement
Consider elaborating on the solutions further by providing specific examples or case studies that illustrate success in reducing screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use linking words and phrases more deliberately to enhance the flow of ideas between paragraphs and support the logical progression in your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and effectively summarizes the main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
The identification of specific reasons for increased computer use is well executed, and the proposed solutions are practical and actionable.
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