IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some believe that more young people hold the important positions in government, while others believe that the young people should not. Discuss both views and provide your own opinion with relevant examples.

#believe #people #positions #government
In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss the idea that: Some believe that more youths hold an important position in government,
while
 others believe that young people should not. In the beginning,
that is
 the fact that more youths hold important positions in the government, and in my opinion, it is necessary.
However
, both views are remarkable. Positions should be filled with youths
however
,
on the other hand
,
workers
 who have experiences are priceless for the states or other labourers. Young people can adapt the new circumstances easily.
Further
, their brains are fresh and they have a tendency to create new ideas.
However
, experienced
workers
 are more eligible for some qualified degrees.
Furthermore
, They must keep working and their position be preserved so, less experienced worker could learn something from their experiences.
Firstly
, Youngs can adapt the new circumstances more easily than old. Youngs grow up with modernity
therefore
 it is easy to adapt. It has a huge importance in work life.
Secondly
, their brains are fresh and they have a tendency to create new ideas. Creativity gets worse over the years
thus
, a fresh brain is valuable , especially in some labours that contain creativity. Holding a high degree in the government requires a creative brain.
On the contrary
, experienced
workers
 are more eligible for some qualified positions. We mustn't deny their importance.
Additionally
, we have to hold
such
 old
workers
 in our surroundings and work atmosphere to improve ourselves.
Therefore
, for some information, it is better that learn from someone who has sufficient experience in it. In conclusion, the different aspects of the idea were given. In my opinion, holding high degrees in the labours by the news is better in the new world.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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task response
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines both views and your own opinion in a succinct manner. Avoid repetition in statements to maintain clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical structure by enhancing the flow between paragraphs and ensuring each main point is clearly distinct and well-supported.
task response
Incorporate specific examples to support your points. Real-world examples will strengthen your arguments and demonstrate a deeper understanding.
coherence and cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures and utilize transition words to enhance the flow and coherence of your essay.
task response
Your essay acknowledges both perspectives, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You’ve provided a clear conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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