IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries young people are not only richer, but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are often less happy. What do you think are the reasons for this and what can be done to help?

Young
people
Use synonyms
 are spending their lives as much more well-off, healthier and safer individuals in their communities compared to the past even though they have a lack of contentment. For
this
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, negativity
on
Change preposition
in
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 the media, poor real-life connection and high cost of living are the main concerns, the government should take action in some ways to mitigate these issues. One of the reasons why young
people
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 are less happy is that the amount of bad
news
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 appears on the Internet.
In other words
Linking Words
, when they go online to enjoy, they tend to read or watch something related to murder, war and other conflicts among the
people
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, which in turn, negative circumstances evoke stronger emotional responses.
For example
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,
news
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 alerts about school shootings in the U.S. make
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents concerned about their children’s safety. To address
this
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 problem, the government have to implement stricter content regulations that limit the spread of negativity and misinformation. In
this
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 matter, age verification is a rational option to prevent consuming
news
Use synonyms
 affecting mental well-being,
although
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 the companies are willing to increase the number of their audience in any way. Poor real-life communication can fuel unhappiness in youth. To put it simply, those who work for a prolonged time feel pressure because of decreased leisure time with close
people
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 and social anxieties.
As a result
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, they feel disconnected, which may lead to social isolation. Festivals, carnivals and other gatherings should be organized by the local community in order to promote genuine in-person relationships
as well as
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 mindfulness practices, group therapy sessions are a must to enhance their mental health . All the activities influence to have a sense of belonging and purpose. Another factor is economic challenges to lift their
overall
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 happiness level. Rising costs are the main roadblocks to achieving milestones like home ownership or starting families. To illustrate, in Britain, the average cost of getting married, buying a house and starting their lives increased to 350,000-400,000 for young
people
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, which is dramatic.
However
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, the cooperation of the government and big organizations could be beneficial
while
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 creating new positions and providing younger workers with better job opportunities.
Moreover
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, banks allocating some bonuses and low interest rates would be supportive when they receive mortgages to buy their first home. In conclusion, young adults feel less happy despite the improved financial situation, better health and safer living atmosphere.
While
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 lack of happiness can be attributed to bad
news
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, shortage of human interaction and overpriced products and services, in my opinion, banning negative content, having many social events and financial aid are the best alternatives to
this
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 issue.

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structure
Your introduction is concise and clearly sets up the topic and what you plan to discuss. However, it could be enhanced by providing a more detailed outline of the essay structure.
coherence
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and use more transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
develop arguments
In some instances, ideas could be expanded further to show depth of analysis. Providing more detailed examples would strengthen your arguments.
language use
Some sentences are quite long and complex. To improve clarity, consider breaking them into shorter sentences where possible.
task response
You have addressed the prompt effectively and discussed multiple reasons for the lack of happiness amongst young people, providing relevant examples and solutions.
structure
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a clear restatement of your position.
language use
You demonstrate a good range of vocabulary and use of language, which enhances your essay's readability.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Elderly
  • Accumulated wisdom
  • Tradition and history
  • Guidance
  • Family life
  • Cultural practices
  • Innovation
  • Technological advancement
  • Economic productivity
  • Adaptable
  • Globalized societies
  • Physical attributes
  • Labor force
  • Economic growth
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