IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that all students should study history as a major subject, while others feels that other subjects are important for children in today's society. Discuss both sides and give your opinion .

#people #students #study #history #subjects #children #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals argue that the history course should be compulsory ,
while
 others believe that the technical knowledge is imperative for the bright future.
Although
 the first group offers the opportunity to the learn about culture of other countries there are limited seats for a career, I think that the second one is better for developing skills and long
last
 benefiting the economy's growth. To commence with, the non-technical session is a vast platform to exchange information about the country's heritage, students are capable of seeking the sacrifices of their ancestors and their high achievements as a large number of historians plan tours every year.
Furthermore
, it really affects the scholars badly, as there are fewer vacant jobs even though they served magnificently.
For instance
, leading research in America found that a large figure of children switched their fields towards academics for the sake of family support.
In addition
, the latter sector provides several chances to build personal strengths like doctors, engineers, pharmacists, accountants ,and so on .Scientists are exploring new innovations through telecommunications , making advancements in research , and resulting in prosperity.
Moreover
, multiple organizations are introducing AI to run their machine and processes,I believe that
such
 breakthrough evidence presents the significance of the scientific aspect. In conclusion, despite the fact that writers are the main source of connection globally , I moot that editors and various similar professions face challenges because of minor availability of rights,
whereas
 Boffin earns a decent amount of income and has maximum occasions for promotion
as well as
 take part in state success.
Submitted by iqrariaz54 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which is great. However, providing more specific examples and statistics can enhance the credibility of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although you present coherent arguments, your essay could benefit from a more logical structure. For instance, separating the discussion of history and technical subjects into different paragraphs can improve readability.
general
Pay attention to grammar and phrasing to ensure your ideas are clearly understood. Minor errors can sometimes confuse the reader.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing a clear stance on your opinion.
task achievement
The points you raise are relevant and appropriate to the task.
general
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: