Nowadays there are an increasing number of people who prefer to hire a personal fitness trainer rather than to play sports or to do exercise classes. The preferences could have either positive or negative impacts.

Some of the positive impacts for people who choose a personal
trainer
are mainly to fit personal needs
such
as a specific goal and a flexible schedule. Most of us know exactly about what is considered the perfect body shape. So that we hire a
trainer
to attained it.
For example
, if a man wants to lose 10 kg in 2 months, he will be better off
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hiring a personal
trainer
because a customized exercise can be made special for him.
However
, the drawback is that not everyone can hire a personal
trainer
because its hourly rate often is too expensive.
On the other hand
, folks who spend time joining sports classes or exercising together would benefit from the togetherness. They won’t feel lonely because a sport has at least the opponent and the defendant team
such
as football or basketball. The same goes for exercise classes which have minimum participants to be held. Unfortunately, exercising together
also
has drawbacks
such
as it won’t happen unless there are other participants who join it,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
a volleyball. In conclusion, either exercising alone or doing it with a group, will have its own benefits and drawbacks. It depends on everyone’s personal choice. If you are the type of person who wants to have a fast result,
then
you will have a better choice by hiring a personal
trainer
. Meanwhile, if you want to prioritize a close bond with your friends,
then
joining a sports class will be a good idea.
Submitted by permata_188 on

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coherence cohesion
While the essay presents clear and relevant ideas, ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that briefly outlines what the paragraph will discuss. This could improve clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Try to avoid minor grammatical errors like using 'attained it' instead of 'attain it', and 'defendant team' which should be 'defending team'. Such errors can distract readers.
task achievement
Expanding on your examples and ideas a bit more, while maintaining focus, can help improve the completeness and comprehensiveness of your response.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which effectively aids in presenting the argument.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed the question by discussing both the positive and negative impacts of hiring a personal trainer versus joining sports classes or exercising together.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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