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Art and music are considered some of the fundamental elements of all the societies. Do you think art and music still have a place in today's modern world of technology? Should children spend more time learning art and music at school?

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It is considered that
art
 and
music
 are the key factors in all communities. I am on the opposite side in that they play a quite crucial role in contemporary society
,
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 and support that children should already start to learn them in class. In
this
 essay, I will discuss it and give my own opinion in the following paragraphs. Despite the improvement of technology and how useful it can be for us, humans should keep cultural melodies and crafts.
Firstly
,
art
 has existed in all types of historical objects through painting or drawing and represents old life and history.
For example
, by researching these items or visiting
such
 places as museums, inhabitants might acquire knowledge of the history of their ancestors and see how was the planet before us looked like.
Secondly
, it is proved by scholars that dwellers who are suffering from mental health, find
music
 to relieve huge amounts of stress or even depression.
Apart from
this
, my brother in mother’s line claims that playing the melody on real instruments
,
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 brings more meaning rather than playing it on the computer. In some other cases, learning these things as a subject can have a positive impact on
students
.
Firstly
, by expanding their skills at school, they may be able to explore their interests .
As a result
,
students
 may able to reach new ideas and make their
brain
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brains
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 more creative.
In addition
,
art
 and
music
 classes may help to find their hobbies and even future careers.
For instance
, By attaching them to the curriculum, youngsters could be able to acquire knowledge depending on their interests and achieve goals referring to them.
Furthermore
, school administration may invite some artists to regard
students
 even more and help their dreams come true.
To sum up
, despite all the instruments becoming electronic these days,
art
 and
music
 will take main place in every part of the world. In my point of view, we should have an impact on
students
 lives to waste their valuable time at school to be more creative rather than vice versa.
Submitted by esenbai0905 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a reasonable effort to tie ideas together with clear topic sentences and concluding statements. However, it could benefit from improved clarity in the logical progression of ideas and a more systematic development of arguments. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of the text.
task achievement
Although the response addresses the task, there are instances where the argument seems to be less focused, and not all assertions are substantiated with relevant examples. Make sure to directly address the question throughout the essay, and support your points with specific, detailed examples.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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