IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Obesity is a major health problem. What are the causes of this problem? What can be done to solve this problem?

#obesity #health
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Most
people
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 are overweight, which leads to
obesity
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Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is a major health issue.
This
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 essay discusses the causes and solutions of
this
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 problem. The first cause of
obesity
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 is that
people
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 often eat unhealthy
food
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.
That is
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 an effect of their hustle life. So, they often eat a quick meal
such
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 as fast
food
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. Because it's easy for them.
However
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, fast
food
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 contains a lot of flour, sugar, and fat.
That is
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 a high calorie. If
people
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 consume too much It is a cause of weight gain and leads to
obesity
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. To solve
this
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 problem, the government should educate the public about the importance of healthy
food
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, and how to eat better.
Moreover
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,they should manage the price of healthy
food
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 cheaply and make it easy to buy.
As a result
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,
people
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 have a recognition of healthy
food
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 and have the ability to
access
Correct pronoun usage
access it
show examples
. Another cause of
obesity
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 is that
people
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 tend to overeat. When
people
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 are feeling stressed they want to eat sweet things.
For instance
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, Some
people
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 often eat a lot of candy. That makes them overweight because 90% of candy ingredients are sugar. To address
this
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 problem, the government should launch an advertisement to encourage
people
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 to exercise and give guidance to them.
Moreover
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, They should build places for
people
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 to play and exercise.
Therefore
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,
people
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 will know how to reduce feeling stressed by exercise
instead
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 of overeating and can improve their health. In conclusion, the two causes of
obesity
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 are unhealthy
food
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 and overeating.
People
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 and the government should participate in adjusting their
food
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 habits and activities for better health.
Submitted by jeebjib14 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay is generally well-structured, but consider providing a clearer thesis statement in the introduction. This gives the reader a clear idea of what to expect.
task achievement
Make sure to expand on each point slightly more, providing additional details or examples where possible.
task achievement
Be careful with minor grammatical errors and structuring of sentences for clearer understanding. For example, 'That is an effect of their hustle life' could be 'This is due to their hectic lifestyle.'
task achievement
The essay includes both causes and solutions in a balanced manner, addressing the prompt well.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the preference for fast food due to busy lifestyles, is apt and relevant.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and offers a call to action, which is good for coherence.
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