IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine rather than following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #health #doctors #medicine #lifestyle
Nowadays, a significant amount of individuals claim that too many of them maintain their well-being by
couting
Correct your spelling
counting
coating
 on medical professionals and medicine, rather than living a healthy lifestyle. In my view, it is needless to say that the majority of
people
 are relying on doctors, meaning that they would not do anything by themselves. Generally speaking,
people
 have always been under the threat of any danger that could occur,
such
 as falling or fighting.
Moreover
, some routine things,
such
 as running, could
also
 lead to traumas, namely knee dislocation or broken bones.
For example
, Usain Bolt, who has got these traumas during his final
olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
show examples
 race
,.
Change the punctuation
,
.
show examples
Nevertheless
, the first group of individuals is avoiding a healthy lifestyle,
while
 the second is not. On the one hand, the first group could avoid it because of modern medicine and medicaments. In our days,
people
 are not concerned about their
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
.
In contrast
 with the Middle Ages, in our century, there are antibiotics and painkillers.
On the other hand
, the second group is not avoiding it because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
illnesses, namely obesity, diabetes, or even muscle dysfunction.
For
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 Tom Hawk, who used to play
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 role of a main hero with these
illnessess
Correct your spelling
illnesses
,
releaving
Correct your spelling
revealed
 all the dark sides of it.What is more, there are doctors, namely nutritionists, who can prescribe a healthy diet.
However
, to remain in good shape,
people
 should not only follow the diet
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 work out, in order to lose weight and gain muscle mass.
To sum up
, I strongly believe that throughout humanity's history, its average lifetime increased by 5 years every century,
due to
 the fact that they were not having a miserable life, and they should work out hard enough, in spite
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 minor problems.
Submitted by acaitaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that main idea. This will help improve the logical structure.
Task Achievement
More specific examples and explanations would strengthen your arguments. Try to include relevant data or real-life examples to support your points.
Task Achievement
Avoid repetitive or vague language and ensure that every sentence contributes meaningfully to the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a framework for your arguments.
Task Achievement
There are relevant real-life examples used, though they could be expanded further for better support.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: