IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much. Do you agree or disagree? What other types of job should be highly paid?

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Individuals believe that artists
such
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 as singers, actors, actresses, and athletes have the biggest salary today. It can be shown in their glamour fashion and so on. I agree with
this
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 statement because they can show negative aspects to their fans.
However
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, there are a lot of occupations that should pay higher than them. Particularly, teachers, scientists, and doctors must get a huge amount of money because of their
kindness
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
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, paying too much can cause entertainers to become greedy and feel depressed. Sometimes, artists are shocked by the huge amount of money that they have gotten from their films, songs, or theatres.
As a result
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, they just buy whatever they want,
for example
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, expensive clothes, branded bags, supercars, and many more.
Hence
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, the worst case is when they are addicted to something like drugs, alcohol, and sex. It will create a bad habit for them, sometimes, they are not worried about ending their life because of feeling depressed.
Besides
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, it can give a negative role model for the audience, especially young people. Youngsters usually imitate their favourite artists as dreaming figures.
On the contrary
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, there are several occupations which have to get much more than the entertainers because of their
kindness
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. It can be shown from the data in my country,
for instance
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, teachers are only paid below average in Indonesia.
However
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, their services and
kindness
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 are much more valuable for creating good talents in the future.
Then
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, the doctors must get the highest salary too because they have risks to save their patients.
Lastly
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, research and development that have been done by scientists are the most important things to develop a great country. To summarize, I totally agree with the statement because entertainers who are paid too much can have negative aspects on the audience. I believe that teachers, scientists, and doctors should pay more because of their
kindness
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contains one clear main idea and that this idea is expanded upon with adequate support - either with examples, explanations or arguments. Try to develop the main points more thoroughly with the use of specific examples and detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are recognizable, but the introduction could be improved by providing a clearer thesis statement. It is necessary to precisely outline the main ideas that will be discussed in the essay. In the conclusion, aim to summarize your main points more clearly rather than introducing new information or opinions.
task achievement
While the essay attempts to address the prompt, the response could be strengthened by ensuring that your position is clear throughout the essay. The essay mentions agreement with the statement regarding the high salaries of entertainers but includes a discussion about their negative influences which may not directly address the level of their earnings.
task achievement
The ideas within the essay are understandable, but they are not always fully comprehensive or elaborated upon. Ensure that each point is clear and unambiguous and followed up with a detailed explanation or example that clarifies the assertion.
task achievement
Examples used are relevant but lack specificity. To enhance the task achievement score, provide more concrete and detailed examples. The use of specific facts, figures or real-case scenarios will make your argument more persuasive and impactful.
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