IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some parents want their children to read only serious educational books at all times. They don’t want their children to read any entertainment books because they think it is were of time. Do you agree or disagree?

#parents #children #books #times #don’t #entertainment #time
There are many parents who prefer that their
children
 have to be interested in strict educational books ,
while
 others reckon that their
children
 don't need to focus on these types of books .
This
 essay agrees that
children
 should give their observation to other
things
besides
 serious academic books .
Children
 ought to pay attention to
things
 that can make them cheerful , like playing some games , doing physical activities , social interactions and especially resting and sleeping .
Firstly
 ,
children
 always want to be joyful so they do entertaining
things
 .
In other words
 ,
children
 most of the
time
 choose to play video games , because they can enlarge their imagination and creativity, they can
also
 avoid their problems and enjoy their
time
 there .
According to
 Oxford University ,
Children
 who play video games show a %52 improvement in their brains than the ones who don't.
Furthermore
 , resting and sleeping are one of the most essential
things
 for
children
 . To put it differently , adequate sleep is crucial for health , cognitive function and emotional well-being , because of that ,
Children
 need enough rest to recharge and grow .
For instance
 , South Korea put a rule in 2007 that all
children
 have to sleep at least 7 hours , from 2007 to 2024 , Korean
children
's level of intelligence increased .
To sum
up
Add a comma
up,
show examples
 everything that has been stated so far , I am of the notion that
children
 have to take
time
 for other important
things
 and don't waste their
time
 on something educational too much .
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

vocabulary
Consider diversifying your vocabulary and sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and sophisticated. For example, use synonyms instead of repeating the same words, and vary your sentence lengths and structures.
development
Make sure to focus on developing each of your main points more thoroughly. Adding more detailed explanations and evidence would strengthen your arguments.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clear, but try to make stronger connections between your body paragraphs. This can improve the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt directly and provides a clear stance on the issue.
conclusion
Your conclusion effectively sums up your arguments, providing a clear end to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!