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Band 5

I In some cultures, children are told they can achieve anything if they work hard. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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In a lot of cultures, children are told they can achieve anything if they work hard.
This
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 might be true but some people may disagree, including me. I think that
this
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 statement leans more to the negative side than the positive.
This
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 essay will show both the advantages and disadvantages
to
Change preposition
of
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this
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 statement.  On the one hand, children who are told to work hard tend to have bigger dreams and can achieve more rewards. Sometimes people say that those who work hard can beat those who are geniuses academically. They tend to have more unrealistic dreams because they feel more confident achieving
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
For example
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, if a person who studies constantly wants to become a doctor or a lawyer, they would most likely achieve it and are confident
to
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in
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 achieving because they have studied.
In contrast
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, those who do not study hard are most likely to overthink their results.
On the other hand
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, we should
also
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 consider the effects of constant studying
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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on people, especially when they fail.
For instance
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, when students who study consistently fail, they are most likely to feel overwhelmed because they would think that what they have done
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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wastes
Fix the agreement mistake
waste
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.
Furthermore
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, these students would
also
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 get stressed because of high
expectation
Fix the agreement mistake
expectations
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 from peers, parents, and teachers. These expectations can lead to students having
burnouts
Fix the agreement mistake
burnout
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 and
are
Wrong verb form
being
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 unable to study for a long time. In conclusion, I think that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. Even though we could achieve a lot more when working hard,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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we should
also
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 consider our mental health and feelings when the results
does
Change the verb form
do
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 not come out the way we want.

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task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and is directly related to the task. Avoid vague statements and generalize less.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will help with the logical structure of the essay.
task achievement
Consider enriching your essay with more specific examples to better support your main points.
task achievement
Make sure to address both sides of the argument evenly, paying equal attention to both advantages and disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Revise sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness. Polished sentences will enhance the overall readability and coherence of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which help in framing the argument appropriately.
task achievement
Ideas are generally well-expressed with an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You provide a good explanation of both sides of the argument, indicating a balanced point of view.
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