IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and government should stop spending large amount of money on their armed forces . To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days, technology has been developing really fast, so the world become safer than a century ago;
as a result
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, a group of
people
Use synonyms
 advise that governments stop investment in their armies. I subscribe to
this
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 idea owing to the fact that when the governments do not spend a lot of money on their armed forces,
then
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 they can improve their
countries
Use synonyms
 and the world will become a safe area for all
people
Use synonyms
 who live in it. On the one hand, when the amount of money which authorities spend on their military's aims dips, they can use it to improve
people
Use synonyms
's lives
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and leap their economy.
Firstly
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, they can increase the number of devices which help their citizens to have good lifestyles
such
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 as good public transportation, reduced crimes with good safety cameras, and other things.
Secondly
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, if they do not fund for military, they will their country's economies establish factories, send their product to other
countries
Use synonyms
, and build districts to raise the figure of tourists.
On the other hand
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, when administrations do not evolve their
miliaritie's
Change noun form
military
show examples
 facilities, the competition for power will decline immediately;
therefore
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, international inhabitants do not worry about wars and
countries
Use synonyms
 must not spend a lot of money on solving the damages which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the result of fights,
while
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 they are able to have more profits inasmuch as safeties
countries
Use synonyms
 have so many
tourist
Change to a plural noun
tourists
show examples
;
moreover
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, they do not need funding for natives who are injured from battles.
In addition
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, safety alters
people
Use synonyms
's bad behaviour and all societies will be friends
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 enemies.
To sum up
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, having good military tools and armies is good;
nevertheless
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, it is essential that calm Earth have a range of benefits for its inhabitants.

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task response
In the introduction, it's important to clearly state the main point and your agreeing perspective rather than simply mentioning technology development. This will make the essay more focused from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are complex and unclear, which can confuse the reader. Simplifying and breaking down complex sentences can enhance clarity and comprehension.
task response
Include specific examples and statistically backed data to support your claims. Although you have explored the main ideas well, specific examples could further strengthen your argument.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced perspective.
task response
The essay is quite informative and presents many valid points, demonstrating good knowledge of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which shows good structure, and the points made are relevant to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • technological advancements
  • cybersecurity
  • surveillance
  • defense mechanisms
  • diplomatic relations
  • global organizations
  • United Nations (UN)
  • NATO
  • peace treaties
  • socioeconomic development
  • military expenditure
  • humanitarian outcomes
  • non-violent conflict resolution
  • historical perspective
  • counter-terrorism
  • internal security
  • traditional military expenditure
  • ethical argument
  • allocate funds
  • infrastructure
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