The world today is a safer place than it was a hundred years ago, and government should stop spending large amount of money on their armed forces . To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days, technology has been developing really fast, so the world become safer than a century ago;
as a result
, a group of people
advise that governments stop investment in their armies. I subscribe to this
idea owing to the fact that when the governments do not spend a lot of money on their armed forces, then
they can improve their countries
and the world will become a safe area for all people
who live in it.
On the one hand, when the amount of money which authorities spend on their military's aims dips, they can use it to improve people
's lives,
and leap their economy. Remove the comma
apply
Firstly
, they can increase the number of devices which help their citizens to have good lifestyles such
as good public transportation, reduced crimes with good safety cameras, and other things. Secondly
, if they do not fund for military, they will their country's economies establish factories, send their product to other countries
, and build districts to raise the figure of tourists.
On the other hand
, when administrations do not evolve their miliaritie's
facilities, the competition for power will decline immediately; Change noun form
military
therefore
, international inhabitants do not worry about wars and countries
must not spend a lot of money on solving the damages which is
the result of fights, Unnecessary verb
apply
while
they are able to have more profits inasmuch as safeties countries
have so many tourist
; Change to a plural noun
tourists
moreover
, they do not need funding for natives who are injured from battles. In addition
, safety alters people
's bad behaviour and all societies will be friends not
enemies.
Add the comma(s)
, not
To sum up
, having good military tools and armies is good; nevertheless
, it is essential that calm Earth have a range of benefits for its inhabitants.Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on
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task response
In the introduction, it's important to clearly state the main point and your agreeing perspective rather than simply mentioning technology development. This will make the essay more focused from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are complex and unclear, which can confuse the reader. Simplifying and breaking down complex sentences can enhance clarity and comprehension.
task response
Include specific examples and statistically backed data to support your claims. Although you have explored the main ideas well, specific examples could further strengthen your argument.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced perspective.
task response
The essay is quite informative and presents many valid points, demonstrating good knowledge of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which shows good structure, and the points made are relevant to the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.