IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that animal testing for medicine and cosmetics should be banned. Others think it is necessary to guarantee human safety. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #medicine #cosmetics #guarantee #safety
Some
people
 believe that animal testing for medicine and
cosmetics
 should be banned. Others think it is necessary to guarantee human
safety
. I will argue the reason why they disagreed with
this
 topic, and they agreed on their opinions
as
Change preposition
on
show examples
 both aspects.
First,
people
 strongly disagree with animal testing for medicine and
cosmetics
 for their protecting
animals
 and lifesaving. In my personal
own
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
opinion, all
animals
 have their own lives, and their lives are not for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animal testing.
In addition
 to that, after
animals
 ingest some chemical
substances
, they have no choice but to die by being killed.
This
 is because if the
animals
 go outside and move around anywhere, they cause
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
viruses which contain
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
unknown
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
,
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 human beings would suffer from.
In addition
, killing
animals
 for human beings’
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
 would make the ecosystem destroyed. We should protect their
habitants
Correct your spelling
habitats
show examples
 and environment.
On the other hand
, other
people
 have their opinions about animal testing because of
guaranteeing
Wrong verb form
guarantees
show examples
 human
safety
.
For instance
, when researchers would like to search if their medicine and
cosmetics
 are adequate, from
Correct article usage
the perspectives
show examples
perspectives
Fix the agreement mistake
perspective
show examples
 of
safety
,
people
 would die
due to
 bad chemical
substances
.
Apart from
this
, there are many kinds of chemicals all over the world, and we can make new dangerous chemical
substances
, which we can’t count. Unless we have their chemicals, which we can’t deep dive into what part of
group
Add an article
the group
a group
show examples
 in their chemicals, we would die for
substances
. The governments should regulate their laws about new drugs and
cosmetics
 developed by researchers. In conclusion, we should protect animal testing so as to protect their lives and their ecosystem. And the governments should make
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
 about new
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 for new drugs and
cosmetics
 for
people
’s
safety
.
Submitted by aimy.emi1097 on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that you clearly address both sides of the argument with relevant and specific examples. You have done well to mention both perspectives, but more concrete examples could strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try to use more transition words and phrases to guide the reader through your essay. This will help to create a more logical flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced discussion, considering both sides of the argument regarding animal testing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument neatly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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