IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays,
smartphones
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 become a non-separated part of
children
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`s lives.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons for
this
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 issue and
then
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 describe the possible pros and cons of
this
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 development.
While
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 considering, both positive and negative aspects of
this
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 issue, I think the benefits of
this
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 phenomenon outweigh the drawbacks. The predominant factor that results in
children
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 spending an enormous amount of time with
smartphones
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 is the development of technology. It means that new technology creates a new and attractive world that absorbs
children
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such
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 as other individuals. It is
due to
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 the fact that
children
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 can easily find friends on social media platforms, play online games with them and
also
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, do their school research by using their
smartphones
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 and the internet. Another reason is
due to
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 changing the lifestyle. In the present decade, parents encounter many problems. They do not have enough time for their
children
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 so, kids should be amazed by some things
such
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 as
smartphones
Use synonyms
 .
Moreover
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, they
use
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 their
smartphones
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 for many purposes
such
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 as paying bills, sending messages, navigating their destinations and
also
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,
shopping
Correct word choice
and shopping
show examples
.
This
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 trend encourages
children
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 to
use
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 their
smartphones
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 more and more
as well as
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 their parents.
This
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 phenomenon has some pros and cons
such
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 as establishing medical problems for users` eyes as negative points and easy access to new findings as positive points. In my opinion, the advantages of
this
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 trend are more than the disadvantages,
while
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 the cons can be reduced by some control procedures.
Children
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 can easily access new technologies and
use
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this
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 information to enhance the standard of their lifestyle.
In addition
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, they can improve the quality of their social life by membership in social networks. In conclusion, there are some reasons that result in the increasing
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 which have both negative and positive sides. From my perspective, the benefits of
this
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 trend are more than the drawbacks.
Submitted by n.fallahi327 on

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task achievement
To improve your Task Response, aim to provide more specific examples to substantiate your points. While you mention social media and online games, adding concrete examples would demonstrate a stronger support for your ideas.
task achievement
Enhance your ideas' clarity by breaking down more complex sentences into simpler ones. This will reduce ambiguity and make your arguments clearer. A more explicit explanation of concepts will help the reader follow your reasoning more easily.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Try using linking phrases such as 'Additionally,' 'Moreover,' or 'However' to connect your sentences and paragraphs for a more fluid reading experience.
coherence cohesion
There's room for improvement in the logical structure of your essay. Consider outlining your essay before writing to make sure every paragraph serves a purpose and contributes coherently to your overall argument.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively lays out what the essay will discuss, setting a clear path for the reader.
introduction conclusion present
You make good use of a concluding paragraph that clearly summarizes your main points and reiterates your position.
complete response
The essay consistently stays on topic, addressing both the reasons for increased smartphone use among children and the positive and negative aspects of this trend.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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