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Band 4.5

The working weeks should be shorter and workers should have a longer weekend. Do you agree or disagree?

#weeks #workers #weekend
Some people suggest that it would be better for workers to experience shorter
period
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periods
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 of working days
as well as
 to expand the vacation of weekends. In my opinion,
this
 approach is more beneficial for both employers and employees in terms of mental health and development in the workplace.
Firstly
, shorter weeks lead to creating a healthy balance between occupation and real life which will prevent kinds of illnesses. In fact, if the residents of cities do not spend time
for
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apply
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resting as much as working, they will hurt their brains and bodies gradually.
For example
, in Tehran, people suffer from depression, stress, and high blood pressure
in
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as
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consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
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 of working flat out, and lack of adequate time for relaxing after
work
.
Furthermore
, having longer weekends influences
on
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apply
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work
 efficiency when the employees turn back to the workplace.
That is
, workers can allocate more time to recreational activities during holidays, reduce
th
Correct your spelling
the
 e tension
of
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in
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 their minds, and
then
 concentrate on
work
 effectively.
For instance
, they can go on a trip with their families, play games with children, and attend
in
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apply
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various sports classes, which all of them help to be fresh mentally. In conclusion, I feel that the stronger argument is in favour of reducing working days.
However
, employers usually tend to request the staff to
work
 long hours, the authorities should legislate some rules to increase the vacations of employees which results in enhancing mental and physical health, and developing the companies.
Submitted by raha.roham1994 on

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task achievement
To further improve your essay's task achievement, ensure that all your ideas are fully developed and supported with more specific examples or evidence. Certain points, such as the negative health impacts of long working weeks, could be detailed with additional relevant data or studies.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is well-organized overall, work on ensuring smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help your argument flow more seamlessly. Also, try to avoid minor grammatical errors and ensure spelling consistency (e.g., 'attend in' should be 'attend').
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of small errors such as the fragmented sentence towards the end of the second body paragraph. Impeccable grammar and phrasing are crucial for higher scores.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effective, presenting a clear stance and summarizing the main points succinctly.
task achievement
The essay holistically tackles both the benefits to mental health and work efficiency, showing a nuanced understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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