IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A rise in childhood obesity is a real threat to health with an increasing number of children now classified as overweight. What are the causes of the problem and what measures can be taken to solve them? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge of experience.

#rise #childhood #obesity #threat #health #children #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no doubt that these days childhood
health
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a very
interested
Replace the word
interesting
show examples
 topic in many countries.
However
,childhood obesity
considered
Add a missing verb
is considered
show examples
 one of the most controversial
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
 today.In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I am going to explain the causes and effects of
this
 phenomenon and I will give some solutions to avoid
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increasing
this
 problem.
To begin
 , there are many reasons that
contributes
Change the verb form
contribute
show examples
 to
spread
Correct article usage
the spread
show examples
Change preposition
of this
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 issues.First of all , unhealthy food habits
such
 as
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of junk food like chips and sweets which contain a lot of sugar and oil
along with
 calories
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can increase the weight of youngsters and can create various
health
 issues namely cancer and heart problems.
Moreover
, spending too much
time
 on social media can
also
 be a reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 obesity as these days,
children
 invest their leisure
time
 on various platforms: watching television, scrolling reels and playing indoor games that can be harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their
health
 as they do not prefer to do exercise or outdoor activities which can make them healthy
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
On the other hand
 , there are
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
several solutions that can alleviate
this
 habit . First of
all
Add a comma
all,
show examples
 parents should
make
Correct your spelling
take
show examples
 control
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
children
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 watching television and playing games.
However
, they give
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
limited
time
for instance
 at
leat
Correct your spelling
least
show examples
 two
hourse
Correct your spelling
hours
 each day.
Moreover
, parents have to monitor their
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
abot
Correct your spelling
about
 the kind
if
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
 food they eat .
As a
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they should give their
children
 some advice about the harmful results of staying
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
time
 watching television and
advice
Replace the word
advise
show examples
 them to
practice
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exercise and
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 sports.
To conclude
,
chidrens’
Correct your spelling
children’
health
 is important,
however
 , every individual should be monitoring their
children
 as
the
Change the word
their
show examples
health
consider
Wrong verb form
is considered
show examples
 the best investment in
lives
Correct pronoun usage
their lives
show examples
.
Additionally
, obesity has a negative influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
futures
Fix the agreement mistake
future
show examples
 lives.
Submitted by khulood.92 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and present, providing a good framework for your essay.
logical structure
You provided a logical sequence in addressing the causes before moving on to solutions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Childhood obesity
  • Overweight
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Nutritional education
  • Physical activity
  • Screen time
  • Fast food consumption
  • Sugar-rich beverages
  • Dietary choices
  • Urbanization
  • Genetic factors
  • Predispose
  • Environmental factors
  • Health threat
  • Lifestyle choices
What to do next:
Look at other essays: