Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environment pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Being sick is one of the most difficult situations that humans have experienced. Several people argue that the
government
should implement some strategies to decrease environmental
pollution
and housing problems.
However
, I disagree with
this
view in two areas.
Firstly
, I concede that the
government
plays an important role in reducing
pollution
in the area and
as a result
, helps to prevent illnesses related to air
pollution
like Asma, or water
pollution
etc.
However
, it is noteworthy to say that the majority of sicknesses are hereditary and they are not related to the
government
or any other external factors. Apart from that, providing the opportunity to own a house
by
Change preposition
apply
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the
government
for the public does not guarantee
prevention
Correct article usage
the prevention
show examples
of all types of illnesses.
This
may just impact stress or mental problems.
Secondly
,
although
supporters of intervention of the
government
by reducing
pollution
or tackling
home
issues
are argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
that certain
diseases
may related to climate or having a
home
, there are many kinds of
diseases
which are manmade like COVID-19 or common between animals and humans
such
as different types of Parasite
diseases
. Almost all
of
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apply
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artificial
Add an article
the artificial
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viruses which are made in laboratories are unknown and neither the
government
nor even scientists are able to deal with them. In my opinion, for these illnesses which are not related to
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
or having a
home
basically, the
government
would not have any effective solution. In conclusion, defenders of the
government
's role in becoming sick
are argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
that authorities should
decline
Verb problem
reduce
show examples
pollution
or solve house issues, I wholeheartedly believe that as the majority of
diseases
are hereditary or caused by manmade viruses, the
government
is not able to tackle them by changing environment or giving
home
.
Submitted by Maral.qanbarii1992 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clearer logical structure in your essay. While your points are valid, they seem somewhat disjointed. Make sure each paragraph flows from one idea to the next more seamlessly.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are fully supported with relevant and specific examples. This gives your arguments more weight and persuasiveness.
task achievement
While you have adequately addressed the task, strengthen your argument by providing more detailed and precise examples that directly relate to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion provide a clear start and end to your essay, making the structure easy to follow at a high level.
task achievement
You have presented a full response to the question, providing arguments for why you disagree with the initial statement.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and you make valid points about the limitations of government intervention in preventing illness and disease.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pollution control
  • respiratory diseases
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • overcrowding
  • renewable energy
  • waste management
  • building standards
  • affordable housing
  • emissions
  • environmental regulations
  • mental health problems
  • damp
  • ventilation
  • lifestyle factors
  • healthcare access
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