IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Advertising discourages people from being different individuals by making us all want to do the same and look the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many
people
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 argue that commercials deter
people
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 from being unique by encouraging them to be the same in action and appearance. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as ways like hiring famous
people
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 for commercials and word-of-mouth advertisements to make
people
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 see some products as
a status symbols
Correct the article-noun agreement
a status symbol
status symbols
show examples
 make advertisements more effective. One of the reasons for
this
Linking Words
 tendency is celebrity endorsements. Many companies use famous
people
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 in their commercials to attract their fanbase.
People
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, especially youngsters are more likely to trust famous
people
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 like actors before buying a product or service. Because they think that if the person they idolize uses
this
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 product, there is no way it can be bad.
For example
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, one of the popular Turkish clothing brands Mavi has famous actors and actresses like Kivanc Tatlitug and Serenay Sarikaya to present their outfits. It is evident that after seeing their favourite
people
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 on TV,
people
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 started to wear expensive pairs of jeans and jackets that are produced by Mavi.
Consequently
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, everyone looks the same and proud because they
finally
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 look like their idols. Another point to consider is that some products have become a status symbol because of word-of-mouth advertising. Some
people
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 buy these products regardless of their price as they want to show off their wealth to others. Take Apple smartphones as an example, every year in the USA
people
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 wait in long queues to purchase the latest Apple smartphones. It is not a coincidence that
this
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 trend affects
people
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 from all over the world and they do the exact same thing. Even
people
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 who cannot afford the phone
trying
Wrong verb form
try
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 to buy it to point out how luxurious the life they live is.
For instance
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,
people
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 from Azerbaijan and Turkey take loans from banks to buy the latest version of the iPhone.
As a result
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, the majority of
people
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 own the same phone and feel better than anyone who has not. In conclusion, I opine that advertisements can prevent
people
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 from being one of a kind
due to
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 appealing strategies like employing celebrities and using word-of-mouth advertising.

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task achievement
While your arguments are strong, consider exploring a counterpoint to demonstrate a balanced analysis. Mentioning examples where advertising encourages individuality would provide a more comprehensive perspective.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'Moreover' can enhance cohesion even more.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, well-developed main points, and a strong conclusion.
task achievement
You provided specific examples that effectively support your main points, enhancing the clarity and relevance of your arguments.
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