IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

More and more people in developing countries are purchasing cars for the first time. What problem does this cause? What do you think are some possible solutions?

#people #countries #cars #first #time
Some would argue that buying more vehicles in developing countries become more popular for the first time. The primary cause of
this
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
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 is influence of the
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 culture and the viable solution is to start
publicity
Correct article usage
a publicity
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 campaign. Western culture affected
whole
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the whole
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 planet and made consumer society the main role model for every country in the world.
That is
 to say, in developing
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 people tend to copy the lifestyle of the European citizens to feel
themself
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apply
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more wealthy. Because of that in a large
amount
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number
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 of societies having a
car
 become
main
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the main
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 attribute of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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richness.
For example
, in Kazakhstan husband must
have to
Verb problem
apply
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buy a
fossil fuel
Add a hyphen
fossil-fuel
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car
 to impress his future wife.
This
 results in
obsession
Correct article usage
the obsession
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 to be in awe of having
luxury
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a luxury
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car
 and buying it even if you do not have
need
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a need
the need
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 to. A
long term
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long-term
show examples
 solution for that predicament is to educate young people about the dangers of buying unnecessary things when they do not need to, which can be
cars
. Children in schools could be taught about how to live without
car
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a car
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 and how to use public transport
for
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on
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 your own and show its advantages over
cars
.
They
Add a verb
They are
They were
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also
 likely to teach their parents the things they learned in schools and parents would gladly appreciate that initiative and change their own opinion about resident vehicles because of
influence
Correct article usage
the influence
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 their offspring gave them.
For example
, in the Netherlands scholars are taught about
negative
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the negative
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 impact of
the
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apply
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cars
 and their harmful
effect
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effects
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 on our
planet
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planet's
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 ecosystem and marine life and the government survey showed that their usage of
cars
 decreased
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
68% in total in the two years. In conclusion, buying too many
cars
 become
issue
Add an article
an issue
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 because of
impact
Add an article
the impact
show examples
 of the
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 culture,but it can be fixed by educating young people about the problems vehicles cause.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt's demands by identifying the problem and proposing solutions, but the explanation of problems and solutions could be more in-depth. Consider adding more detailed examples and further expanding on how the solutions could effectively solve the identified issues.
coherence cohesion
The ideas are logically organized and the essay has a clear structure. However, transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall cohesion. Linking words and phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more seamlessly.
language accuracy
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that affect the readability of the essay. Proofreading can help catch these issues. Revise for subject-verb agreement and more accurate word choices.
task response
The essay correctly identifies the influence of Western culture as a cause and suggests a viable educational campaign as a solution. Providing specific examples like the situation in Kazakhstan and the Netherlands strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, summarizing the main points effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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