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Writing Samples
Band 7

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweigh is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweigh people? How can this problem be solved?

#people #risk #health #overweigh #reason #growth
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Nowadays, a large
number
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 of
people
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 are suffering from excess
weight
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 and
it is clear that
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 they have the chance of getting risky
health
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 issues. There are several reasons why the
number
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 of overweight
people
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 is rising in
this
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 society, and
also
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this
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 essay will provide some solutions to
this
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 problem.
To begin
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, one of the causes of overweight mankind is a poor diet, which means that the prevalence of fast
food
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, sugary drinks, and processed foods leads to unhealthy eating habits. By doing
this
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, humanity can take some harmful aspects into their body and
health
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, where these dangerous fragments or chemicals are able to put
people
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's
health
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 at risk.
Moreover
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, not just junk
food
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 is able to do it, but
also
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 the lack of physical activity can affect negatively. If overweight
people
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 do not
exercise
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 or go to the GYM, they will
also
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 experience a
number
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 of
problems
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 with their
health
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 because the paucity of physical activities influences
weight
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 gain: less physical activity means they will lose
weight
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.
In addition
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, the healthy options of
food
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 are usually costly, making them less attractive to lower-income families;
consequently
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, they will choose junk
food
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that is
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 cheaper.
Nevertheless
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, in order to solve these issues, governments, first of all, could provide a large
number
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 of special centres where those struggling with excess
weight
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 could
exercise
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 for free.
This
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 opportunity would easily change lives of the most part of
people
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, making them more attractive and grateful.
Secondly
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, some have genetic
health
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problems
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 that cause them to gain
weight
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;
therefore
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, states could improve their medical industries and provide better medical support and assistance for
weight
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 management. These methods of solving
problems
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 are able to help
people
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due to
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 the fact that they are more logical. In conclusion,
although
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 individuals are gaining excess
weight
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 because of lack of
exercise
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 and normal
food
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, they could completely solve their
problems
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 by doing some extra
exercise
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 by going to the gym, which is provided by the government for free.
Moreover
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, they will have the opportunity to get excellent medical assistance if states upgrade medical facilities.
Submitted by talgattan4ez on

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task achievement
To further improve the task response, consider providing more specific examples to support the claims about unhealthy diets and lack of exercise. For instance, citing statistics or studies could make the argument more convincing.
coherence and cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by using more varied linking words and phrases. For example, instead of using 'moreover' and 'in addition' consecutively, try substituting 'furthermore' or 'additionally' to enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Work on complex sentences and use a broader range of grammar and vocabulary to move closer to a higher band score. This will make your essay more engaging and reflective of a high-level English proficiency.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
You have provided logical reasons for overweight issues and offered feasible solutions, meeting the task requirements well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, making it easy to follow the argument from start to finish.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • processed foods
  • nutrition
  • obesity
  • physical activity
  • public health
  • subsidizing
  • active commuting
  • genetic predisposition
  • dietary habits
  • fast food
  • awareness campaigns
  • healthcare support
  • economic factors
  • policy implementation
  • community involvement
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