IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many children this days have an unhealthy lifestile. Both parents and schools are responsible for solving this problem

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Unhealthy lifestyles become more and more common among the younger generation.
Although
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 and
academics
Use synonyms
 should take the obligation to find a solution, industries which produce items for
children
Use synonyms
 are responsible as well. Both
parents
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 and schools should take responsibility for the younger generation's lifestyle, since
parents
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 are role models,
while
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academics
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 could provide lessons at the gym about being fit.
Children
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 would try to copy their
parents
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' nutrition
whereas
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 schools would teach them how to be healthy through sports.
For instance
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, when
parents
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 consume products with high nutritional value like veggies,
children
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 include the same ingredients in their daily diet.
In addition
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, physical activities conducted by tutors at
academics
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 were supportable for youngsters.
Thus
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, if
parents
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 and
academics
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 show how to be healthy,
children
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 will try to go through these tips.
On the other hand
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, companies which create goods for
children
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such
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 as snacks or gadgets should consider an answer, because of the reason that their products would
also
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 have an enormous impact.
Children
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 usually apply items which they have seen in advertisements, so corporations should make and promote healthy things.
For example
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, when industries make not only eco-friendly but
also
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 healthy products like snacks without sugar or sports equipment,
children
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 have control over their weight and activity hours.
Therefore
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, it is the corporations' obligation to solve the issue.
To conclude
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,
although
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parents
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 and
academics
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 could have a footprint on
children
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's minds about healthy lifestyles, industries would have a greater influence. If businesses made about it earlier, we would not have youngsters who suffer from lack of activity or are overweight.

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task achievement
To improve the response, provide a more balanced discussion by acknowledging potential counterarguments or limitations of relying solely on parents, schools, or industries.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph connects smoothly to the next with appropriate connective phrases to enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Develop some of the supporting points in greater depth, providing more specific examples and elaboration to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The essay clearly addresses the prompt by discussing the roles of parents, schools, and industries in addressing children's unhealthy lifestyles.
task achievement
The use of examples such as parents consuming nutritious food and schools conducting physical activities effectively illustrates the points made.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making it easy to follow the argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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