IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A group of
people
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 present the view that if
children
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 are able to opt for their daily necessities
such
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 as food, clothes and entertainment, they will be arrogant and self-centred
people
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 in the future.
However
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, others believe that it is crucial for
children
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 to make decisions about everything which has an impact on them. I strongly agree with the latter opinion and my reasons will be given in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, some
people
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 justifiably argue that independent
children
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 are more beneficial to their communities as they can handle problems more effectively. From a psychological standpoint, individuals who were more dependent on their parents during childhood may easily be discouraged from combating life difficulties
due to
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 a lack of confidence.
This
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 can result in a society with
people
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 who fail to work properly and efficiently.
Furthermore
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, research findings confirm that making decisions independently enables
children
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 to develop critical and creative thinking.
Consequently
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,
people
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 become capable of facing challenging situations.
For example
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, in Japan,
children
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 are educated to make
choices
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 about their clothes shapes and colours on their own.
As a result
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 of
this
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 education, Japanese adults are able to make decisive decisions in their personal and professional lives.
On the other hand
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, another group of
people
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 claim that
children
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’s
choices
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 should be restricted. They firmly insist that making
choices
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 independently during childhood leads to the upbringing of
people
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 who only care about their own desires.
However
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, I do not find
this
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 argument convincing as
children
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 who are too reliant on their parents are more likely to experience various failures in their lives.
For example
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, in Iran,
children
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 are confined to their parents’ attitudes and when they become older cannot live their lives independently. In conclusion, in my view, independent
choices
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 make
children
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 more confident and help them develop critical and creative thinking.
Moreover
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, dependency may cause constant failures in daily life.

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Introduction
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines your opinion and the structure of the essay. You did this well, but further clarification could enhance your score.
Task Response
Balance the discussion of both views evenly before providing a reasoned conclusion. You've done a good job, but try to devote equal space to both perspectives for improved balance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraph structures to link ideas more effectively. This will help your text flow better and improve reader understanding.
Task Achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. You provided good examples, but adding more or enhancing their details could further strengthen your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Autonomy
  • Consequence-awareness
  • Self-centered
  • Informal decision-making education
  • Child development
  • Age-appropriate choices
  • Cognitive growth
  • Fostering independence
  • Parental guidance
  • Societal norms
  • Interpersonal consideration
  • Balance of freedom
  • Individualism versus collectivism
  • Experience-based learning
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