IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring for professional sports and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#government #money #sport #art #school #sports #events #communities
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Some people argue that the government should allocate its
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
promotion
Correct article usage
the promotion
show examples
 of
art
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 and sports in
schools
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, rather than being
Add an article
a sponsor
show examples
sponsor
Fix the agreement mistake
sponsors
show examples
 for communities' professional sports and
art
Use synonyms
 organizations. I completely agree with the first statement because it can help to discover
children
Use synonyms
's true potential, and it can be more
cost-efficent
Correct your spelling
cost-efficient
. If the state can spare a budget for the improvement of
art
Use synonyms
 and sports facilities, it can ignite
children
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's talent in these fields. Students can discover whether they are passionate about
one
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 of these spheres and become a famous artist or an
athelete
Correct your spelling
athlete
one
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 day. The government can put aside
money
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 to build a new gym and an
art
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 room with all
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 equipment.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
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 who take advantage of these facilities can work on themselves and take
one
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 step
further
Linking Words
 to pursue their dreams. Another point to consider is that investing
money
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 in
schools
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 can be more affordable for the state than
communities
Change preposition
for communities
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. Sponsoring events can take up a lot of
money
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 as the government needs funds to build an arena for
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 activities, hire employees, buy equipment, start an advertising campaign and so on.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
schools
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 only need
money
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 for opening a new gym and an
art
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 room. That way,
one
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 small
amendent
Correct your spelling
amendment
 to
schools
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 can change many lives considering hundreds of students attend
one
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 school nowadays.
Consequently
Linking Words
, many
children
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 can be reached and encouraged to take up
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 or
art
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. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that countries should provide
schools
Use synonyms
 with funds, rather than spending a pile of
money
Use synonyms
 on
sponsoships
Correct your spelling
sponsorships
sponsorship
.
Submitted by Narmin on

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relevant specific examples
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points, as this will strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
complete response
Ensure to proofread for minor grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'athelete' should be 'athlete', 'cost-efficent' should be 'cost-efficient').
clear comprehensive ideas
Consider diversifying your sentence structures for a more engaging read.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear and well-structured essay with a strong introduction and conclusion.
logical structure
The main points are well-supported with logical reasoning, making your essay cohesive and easy to follow.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are presented clearly, which makes the essay comprehensive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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