IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The number of people who are overweight or obese is far higher than in previous generations. What are the reasons for this, and how can the problem be tackled?

#people #generations
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These days, the percentage of people who are eating unhealthy sustenance without doing exercise has risen,
due to
 many reasons
This
 essay will discuss and draw my personal conclusion. On the one hand, there are a lot of restaurants, and fast foodstuffs
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 become more common
Firstly
, there is something called delivery so they are making it easy for you to order eatables that
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a huge quantity of oil, which leads us to the main problem,
for instance
, Ahmed ordered victuals 5 days a week through apps, after 3 months he is wondering why am I acquiring weight?
Moreover
, the reason is obvious.
On the other hand
, The problems can be handled only if the government prevents the delivery apps; they
also
 need to force people to eat healthy comestibles. and do some sports every day,
such
 as running, jogging eating vegetables
according to
 a renowned magazine related to health life has published that walking for half an hour each day could assist you to
loss
Replace the word
lose
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 weight
also
 it will protect your body from kidney diseases.
In addition
, I believe that eating too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 provisions will cause problems I am not against rations but against the obese and overweight. For me, I eat 200 calories each day as an adult person and
then
 I swim to burn them, I have found new research on the internet about obesity and burning viands the website says that swimming is the best and the fastest solution to get rid of the calories. In conclusion, I am delighted that I wrote
this
 statement
Moreover
, people are now aware of what is happening in our community and how we can stand In the way of obesity.
Submitted by fnokgamer11 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a clearer logical flow to enhance understanding. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Consider using connectors and transition words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Examples used should be more specific and detailed to better support your points. Instead of general statements, use quantifiable or precise examples.
task achievement
Work on providing a more thorough response to the task. Consider fully developing your ideas and addressing all aspects of the question in depth.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and give a general idea of your stance on the topic.
task achievement
You have included some examples to illustrate your points, which is good practice in essay writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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