IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better, alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative
Some
people
 believe that staying in
prison
 for longer
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 is the best way to reduce crime,
while
 others assert that there are other ways to do it. Which is better in the long run?
Although
 the longer
prison
 sentences are useful, I support the latter opinion. On the one hand, it is necessary for
prisoners
 to take a long-run treatment.
For example
, therapy programs are useful in reducing the number of
people
 who commit crimes again.
According to
 an article in Nikkei newspaper, the number of re-offerings is decreasing among the
people
 who received professional support
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 therapy consultants. These programs often need a longer time to finish completely, so they can give
prisoners
 plenty of time to think about the negative impacts they committed in the past seriously.
Consequently
, since
prisoners
 may reflect the crime, there will be few re-offering after longer
prison
 sentences.
On the other hand
,
however
, other treatments can be more practical.
For instance
, charity events which are held in local schools. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of Justice in Japan discovered that there is a trend that
prisoners
 who engage in cleaning events are less likely to commit crimes again. These social events can enhance a sense of belonging and teamwork.
Additionally
, if
prisoners
 connect with other
people
 through social services, they can feel more
confidence
Replace the word
confident
show examples
 about their living after
prison
.
As a result
,
prisoners
 can see themselves as social members and try to do good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 think the usefulness of longer
prison
 sentences, it is clearly beneficial to support alternative ways to reduce the figure of crimes.
Submitted by nao.bb0820 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph logically flows from one idea to the next. Adding more linking phrases could help establish these connections more smoothly.
task achievement
While the task was addressed well, some ideas could be expanded further for greater clarity. For instance, provide more detailed examples and elaborate on the points made.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that help in framing the discussion effectively.
relevant specific examples
Relevant examples, like the ones about therapy programs and charity events, add depth to the essay and demonstrate an understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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